I haven't written anything in a while.

But the thing is, I don’t really need to.

I write when I’m depressed, when I’m sad, when I’m lonely, when I’m afraid. It’s my catharsis.

For the first time in a while, I’m none of these things. I’m hopeful. I’m dangerously close to happiness. I’m excited. I’m confident.

It’s funny how the destruction of a dream can hurt so badly at first, but then spawn a new, more realistic and attainable dream as a result.

This is my life. I may not be where I want to be, and I may not have the things that I want to have, or the opportunities that I wish I could have, but I know that my time will come. I have my whole life ahead of me. I just needed a disappointment to see it.

I have such a problem with this.

“Yes, I’m a girl. I push doors that clearly say PULL. I laugh harder when I try to explain why I’m laughing. I walk into a room and forget why I was there. I count on my fingers in math. I hide the pain from my loved ones. I say it is a long story when it’s really not. I cry a lot more than you think I do. I care about people who don’t care about me. A broken nail is painful. I will forgive you even after you stab me in the back. I listen to you even when you don’t listen to me. And a hug will always help. Yes, I’m a girl!!!!! Re-post if you are a girl too”

I do not consider myself to be a feminist by any means, but I really hate seeing things like this. Women will never be treated as equals if we are constantly degrading ourselves. The first sentence sets the entire post up for potential empowerment. (Although, I personally feel that ‘Yes, I’m a woman.’ would have been more effective.) Instead, every sentence thereafter is basically insulting the entire female population.

What it says: I push doors that clearly say PULL.
What it means: I am unable to comprehend and/or pay attention to my surroundings.
What it implies: Females do not have the ability to be aware of their surroundings, and that it is natural (‘cute’, even) for them to make unnecessary mistakes in every day activities.

What it says: I laugh harder when I try to explain why I’m laughing.
What it means: (Actually, I don’t really have a problem with this sentence.)

What it says: I walk into a room and forget why I was there.
What it means: I have the attention span of a five year old.
What it implies: Women are ditzy and childish. They are unable to focus on anything for a reasonable amount of time.

What it says: I count on my fingers in math.
What it means: Not only am I stupid, but I acknowledge this fact, yet I do not try to remedy the problem.
What it implies: Women should, and do, accept the ‘fact’ that they are intellectually inferior to men

What it says: I hide the pain from my loved ones.
What it means: I’m too afraid to be myself around people.
What it implies: I will admit that this one is out on a limb, but I still think that this one is ultimately saying that women should act a certain way in public and that they should adhere to society’s standards of behavior.

What it says: I say it is a long story when it’s really not.
What it means: I exaggerate to either make me feel better about myself, or because I’m too lazy too tell the story.
What it implies: Females are naturally boring and must lie about their actual experiences in order for someone to be interested in what they have to say.

What it says: I cry a lot more than you think I do.
What it means: I am emotionally unstable.
What it implies: All women are weak, easily upset, and over-emotional.

What it says: I care about people who don’t care about me.
What it means: I cannot detach myself from people who are clearly not worth my time.
What it implies: Once again, women are weak.

What it says: A broken nail is painful.
What it means: I have a low pain threshold.
What it implies: Not only are women emotionally and mentally weak, but they are also physically weak.

What it says: I will forgive you even after you stab me in the back
What it means: I am unable to remove you from my life because I would rather be with an awful friend/boyfriend/person/etc. than to be “alone”.
What it implies: Again, this implies that women are weak. It also implies that they are unable to make important decisions, likely because they are too afraid of the potential effects.

What it says: I listen to you even when you don’t listen to me.
What it means: Instead of making you aware that you are being rude, I will ignore it.
What it implies: Women should know their place. Their opinions are insignificant, but they should still listen to what others have to say.

What it says: And a hug will always help.
What it means: I need physical contact to make me feel better.
What it implies: As stated in the above implications, women are weak.

What it says: Yes, I’m a girl!!!!! Re-post if you are a girl too”
What it means: Yes, I am an inferior human being. Re-post if you are an inferior human being, too.

So, this is Sophie.

She was living under the cooler out back at my job. I don’t know how long she had been there, but apparently she was there for a few days at least. I didn’t know until the other day, when I overheard some of my coworkers talking about a kitten.

That caught my attention. I have a soft spot for animals, especially baby animals. I went out back to see if I could catch a glimpse of her. I didn’t see her. Sarah, one of my coworkers, eventually called her out from under the cooler, but she wouldn’t come anywhere near anyone.

I got some sliced turkey out from the cooler, and I called for her to come to me, but she wouldn’t do it. So, I used my secret talent… I meowed to her. I’m really good at meowing like a cat. When people hear me, they think that I’m a cat. When cats hear me, they think I’m a cat. So, little Sophie tentatively approached me. I started by tearing off pieces of turkey and setting them a little bit away from me. Then, I gave them to her from my hand. Finally, I convinced her to come right up to me to eat. I picked her up by the scruff of her neck, and put her on my lap. I let her eat the turkey on my lap, while I petted her.

It worked. After she ate all of the turkey, I continued to pet her. Whenever she would try to run away, I would meow to her, and she would come back to me. She was still scared of my coworkers, though. She was even scared of me when I would stand up. But, she still wearily trusted me.

I worried about her for the entire day. I know that my boss killed a possum that had taken up residence behind our building once. I was not about to let him kill this little baby.

After I got off of work, I coaxed her out once more, and took her to the vet. On the way there, she was surprisingly good. She sat in my lap most of the time, and when she wasn’t in my lap, she was on my shoulders. At one point, I was driving down the road with her standing on top of my head.



I got her home, and gave her a bath. It was the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. Before I put her in her bath water, I told her that she was going to hate me, but that she really needed to be clean. Then, I gingerly placed her in the water, fully expecting her to jump out.

Nope. She just stood there for a second. Then, she sat down in her bath water and started purring. She was purring, and drinking the water. It was precious. Even when I began pouring water on her, she just went right on purring.

She purred for the rest of the evening. She also made a lot of biscuits on me. She slept on my chest for most of the night.

Oh, and every time I showed her to Titus, he just looked at her like, “Okay. Big fucking deal.” I was really surprised. I’m not done testing Titus, but if he really doesn’t care that she’s here, then there’s no way that I’m going to get rid of her. I love her already.

Growing Up

I'm really glad that I've always been mature for my age.

It makes me feel old, though. When I talk to kids that are still in high school, or that have just graduated, I always compare them to myself. Actually, I compare myself to everyone. I probably shouldn't, because it usually makes me dislike them.

It's not that I think people should be more like me so much as it is that I think that people should grow up. I just want to ask them if they realize that they're making themselves look/sound like a total douche. Maybe I'm the only one who notices, though. I pay attention to the way people talk, and I hear what they are actually saying behind the words that they are speaking. I watch as they try to mask insecurities and jealousy. I see them trying to manipulate others, and spewing their bullshit so they can make themselves feel better.

Pathetic. It's all pathetic. I don't understand why people do that shit. And I know that it sounds like this whole subject is really bothering me, but it's not. It's just been on my mind lately, and it's all I can think about. It's like someone stuck a huge, neon sign in my head that screams and flashes the word "IMMATURE" at me just about every time someone opens their mouth. It will go away soon, though. This is just the way my mind works.

This post isn't going in the direction that I wanted it to go in. I can't blog anymore. Not like I used to.

Remember how I told you that I don't think I can ever be happy?

The funny thing about that is that I recall happy memories more often than I remember the bad ones. Like with Coastal. I was so depressed when I lived there. I know I was. I would write in my diary and I would blog. My blogs were almost always long. They were realizations. They were my problems and my thoughts. But I don’t remember being that way when I think about Coastal. I think about the first time Hope and I really talked. And the first time that Kelsey, Hope, Allix, and I went out to eat together. And I think about John and how he used to say “You’ve got twelve minutes.” when he needed to go but I wanted him to stay. And how cool my English teacher was. And how I watched Brokeback Mountain with people on my hall on the night a hurricane was supposed to hit because I wanted to see them having buttsex. And how I planned to pillage and plunder all of the local stores after the hurricane hit. And how I watched the sunrise on the beach because I couldn’t sleep the night before. It was beautiful because it was still cloudy from the night before. And I took some really good pictures. Everything was okay, even though I was such a broken little mess. But I can’t recall the bad things so easily. It makes me wonder if everything was really as bad as it was. And I fucking miss Coastal. I think about Hope and Kelsey. I think about the campus. I think about the interstate on my way to the candy shop. I think about the strip and this really creepy intersection with stoplights that would never turn green for me, even though I never saw any other cars other than mine. I just miss it.

I felt so empty while I was there, but now I feel empty without it. I wish I knew what I was looking for. It hurts thinking that I may never find it. I just want to be happy. I don’t want to be content or complacent. I want to feel whole. I can’t be happy when I know that a part of me is lost somewhere. It’s like someone reached into my soul when I was born and tore part of it out of me and threw it into the wind. Then, that part of me was blown away somewhere. I don’t know if it’s close or halfway across the world. I don’t know if it’s still in tact or if it was broken and scattered about. And it just hurts to accept that lack of knowledge… and the little knowledge that I do have.

I really do think that you are one of my missing pieces. You just feel right and you make me feel less empty.

Cheater, Cheater.

My heart broke this morning. It didn't break because of someone cheating on me, though. It broke because someone cheated on a person that I love more than anyone else (with the exception of a few people).

I don't understand why anyone would ever be unfaithful to their significant other. If you love someone, how could you be so selfish and so cold to hurt them that deeply? Cheating is never okay. There is no excuse, no exception, and no reason justifiable to merit infidelity. If you weren't getting the love that you needed or wanted from someone, leave them before you find it in someone else. Two-timing is cowardly. It's pathetic.

And it's sickening. I looked up to you. I thought you were one of the best, most sincere and genuine people that I knew. I considered you to be part of my family. Now, I have lost all of my respect for you.

If you read this, I just want you to know that you hurt more people than just him. He loved you. He provided for you for years. Yes, I know that he wasn't the best boyfriend. Nobody's perfect. But there is no excuse for what you did. I am so disappointed in you.

Zilla