The funny thing about that is that I recall happy memories more often than I remember the bad ones. Like with Coastal. I was so depressed when I lived there. I know I was. I would write in my diary and I would blog. My blogs were almost always long. They were realizations. They were my problems and my thoughts. But I don’t remember being that way when I think about Coastal. I think about the first time Hope and I really talked. And the first time that Kelsey, Hope, Allix, and I went out to eat together. And I think about John and how he used to say “You’ve got twelve minutes.” when he needed to go but I wanted him to stay. And how cool my English teacher was. And how I watched Brokeback Mountain with people on my hall on the night a hurricane was supposed to hit because I wanted to see them having buttsex. And how I planned to pillage and plunder all of the local stores after the hurricane hit. And how I watched the sunrise on the beach because I couldn’t sleep the night before. It was beautiful because it was still cloudy from the night before. And I took some really good pictures. Everything was okay, even though I was such a broken little mess. But I can’t recall the bad things so easily. It makes me wonder if everything was really as bad as it was. And I fucking miss Coastal. I think about Hope and Kelsey. I think about the campus. I think about the interstate on my way to the candy shop. I think about the strip and this really creepy intersection with stoplights that would never turn green for me, even though I never saw any other cars other than mine. I just miss it.
I felt so empty while I was there, but now I feel empty without it. I wish I knew what I was looking for. It hurts thinking that I may never find it. I just want to be happy. I don’t want to be content or complacent. I want to feel whole. I can’t be happy when I know that a part of me is lost somewhere. It’s like someone reached into my soul when I was born and tore part of it out of me and threw it into the wind. Then, that part of me was blown away somewhere. I don’t know if it’s close or halfway across the world. I don’t know if it’s still in tact or if it was broken and scattered about. And it just hurts to accept that lack of knowledge… and the little knowledge that I do have.
I really do think that you are one of my missing pieces. You just feel right and you make me feel less empty.
I can relate all too well..
ReplyDeleteI overcame this by ceasing to look for whatever it was that was missing, and I started to see all of what was in front of me.. my friends (new or old), my family, my band, my life.. You are what you make yourself, and you're only leaving yourself empty if you keep searching for that little bit more.. don't get me wrong, strive for the best you can, but I think that just stopping and completely taking in what you have right in front of you will help a lot!
all the best,
-luke
Luke is right. It's more fun to love when you're whole (not missing anything) because that love isn't clouded or dampered by anxiety over the possibility of losing something you don't think you can live without.
ReplyDeleteI read a book few years ago, its about -- their is no such thing of being completely happy. Which I think is kinda sad but i think he is right.
ReplyDeleteI can find happiness but I don't think i am really happy. I feel like something is missing all the time, maybe because we are all living alone. No one will fully understanding what is happening because they are stepping in your shoe, you are.
I think Luke is right tho, we have to try to be happy with what we have in front of us, don't worry something will come around.
Alexandra
Love is being happy with yourself so that you can make someone else happy, if people think you're miserable they will never love you.
ReplyDeleteLove comes withing yourself, love who you are, what you do and ejoy what you have now, as you get older time flies and then you would look back and think why was i so unhappy...for what?