You Can Only Wake Up Once From A Dream

I haven't written anything in a while.

2011-11-15T11:10:00.002-05:00

But the thing is, I don’t really need to.

I write when I’m depressed, when I’m sad, when I’m lonely, when I’m afraid. It’s my catharsis.

For the first time in a while, I’m none of these things. I’m hopeful. I’m dangerously close to happiness. I’m excited. I’m confident.

It’s funny how the destruction of a dream can hurt so badly at first, but then spawn a new, more realistic and attainable dream as a result.

This is my life. I may not be where I want to be, and I may not have the things that I want to have, or the opportunities that I wish I could have, but I know that my time will come. I have my whole life ahead of me. I just needed a disappointment to see it.

I have such a problem with this.

2011-10-25T22:57:00.001-04:00

“Yes, I’m a girl. I push doors that clearly say PULL. I laugh harder when I try to explain why I’m laughing. I walk into a room and forget why I was there. I count on my fingers in math. I hide the pain from my loved ones. I say it is a long story when it’s really not. I cry a lot more than you think I do. I care about people who don’t care about me. A broken nail is painful. I will forgive you even after you stab me in the back. I listen to you even when you don’t listen to me. And a hug will always help. Yes, I’m a girl!!!!! Re-post if you are a girl too”

I do not consider myself to be a feminist by any means, but I really hate seeing things like this. Women will never be treated as equals if we are constantly degrading ourselves. The first sentence sets the entire post up for potential empowerment. (Although, I personally feel that ‘Yes, I’m a woman.’ would have been more effective.) Instead, every sentence thereafter is basically insulting the entire female population.

What it says: I push doors that clearly say PULL.
What it means: I am unable to comprehend and/or pay attention to my surroundings.
What it implies: Females do not have the ability to be aware of their surroundings, and that it is natural (‘cute’, even) for them to make unnecessary mistakes in every day activities.

What it says: I laugh harder when I try to explain why I’m laughing.
What it means: (Actually, I don’t really have a problem with this sentence.)

What it says: I walk into a room and forget why I was there.
What it means: I have the attention span of a five year old.
What it implies: Women are ditzy and childish. They are unable to focus on anything for a reasonable amount of time.

What it says: I count on my fingers in math.
What it means: Not only am I stupid, but I acknowledge this fact, yet I do not try to remedy the problem.
What it implies: Women should, and do, accept the ‘fact’ that they are intellectually inferior to men

What it says: I hide the pain from my loved ones.
What it means: I’m too afraid to be myself around people.
What it implies: I will admit that this one is out on a limb, but I still think that this one is ultimately saying that women should act a certain way in public and that they should adhere to society’s standards of behavior.

What it says: I say it is a long story when it’s really not.
What it means: I exaggerate to either make me feel better about myself, or because I’m too lazy too tell the story.
What it implies: Females are naturally boring and must lie about their actual experiences in order for someone to be interested in what they have to say.

What it says: I cry a lot more than you think I do.
What it means: I am emotionally unstable.
What it implies: All women are weak, easily upset, and over-emotional.

What it says: I care about people who don’t care about me.
What it means: I cannot detach myself from people who are clearly not worth my time.
What it implies: Once again, women are weak.

What it says: A broken nail is painful.
What it means: I have a low pain threshold.
What it implies: Not only are women emotionally and mentally weak, but they are also physically weak.

What it says: I will forgive you even after you stab me in the back
What it means: I am unable to remove you from my life because I would rather be with an awful friend/boyfriend/person/etc. than to be “alone”.
What it implies: Again, this implies that women are weak. It also implies that they are unable to make important decisions, likely because they are too afraid of the potential effects.

What it says: I listen to you even when you don’t listen to me.
What it means: Instead of making you aware that you are being rude, I will ignore it.
What it implies: Women should know their place. Their opinions are insignificant, but they should still listen to what others have to say.

What it says: And a hug will always help.
What it means: I need physical contact to make me feel better.
What it implies: As stated in the above implications, women are weak.

What it says: Yes, I’m a girl!!!!! Re-post if you are a girl too”
What it means: Yes, I am an inferior human being. Re-post if you are an inferior human being, too.

So, this is Sophie.

2011-08-15T00:42:00.002-04:00

She was living under the cooler out back at my job. I don’t know how long she had been there, but apparently she was there for a few days at least. I didn’t know until the other day, when I overheard some of my coworkers talking about a kitten.

That caught my attention. I have a soft spot for animals, especially baby animals. I went out back to see if I could catch a glimpse of her. I didn’t see her. Sarah, one of my coworkers, eventually called her out from under the cooler, but she wouldn’t come anywhere near anyone.

I got some sliced turkey out from the cooler, and I called for her to come to me, but she wouldn’t do it. So, I used my secret talent… I meowed to her. I’m really good at meowing like a cat. When people hear me, they think that I’m a cat. When cats hear me, they think I’m a cat. So, little Sophie tentatively approached me. I started by tearing off pieces of turkey and setting them a little bit away from me. Then, I gave them to her from my hand. Finally, I convinced her to come right up to me to eat. I picked her up by the scruff of her neck, and put her on my lap. I let her eat the turkey on my lap, while I petted her.

It worked. After she ate all of the turkey, I continued to pet her. Whenever she would try to run away, I would meow to her, and she would come back to me. She was still scared of my coworkers, though. She was even scared of me when I would stand up. But, she still wearily trusted me.

I worried about her for the entire day. I know that my boss killed a possum that had taken up residence behind our building once. I was not about to let him kill this little baby.

After I got off of work, I coaxed her out once more, and took her to the vet. On the way there, she was surprisingly good. She sat in my lap most of the time, and when she wasn’t in my lap, she was on my shoulders. At one point, I was driving down the road with her standing on top of my head.

I got her home, and gave her a bath. It was the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. Before I put her in her bath water, I told her that she was going to hate me, but that she really needed to be clean. Then, I gingerly placed her in the water, fully expecting her to jump out.

Nope. She just stood there for a second. Then, she sat down in her bath water and started purring. She was purring, and drinking the water. It was precious. Even when I began pouring water on her, she just went right on purring.

She purred for the rest of the evening. She also made a lot of biscuits on me. She slept on my chest for most of the night.

Oh, and every time I showed her to Titus, he just looked at her like, “Okay. Big fucking deal.” I was really surprised. I’m not done testing Titus, but if he really doesn’t care that she’s here, then there’s no way that I’m going to get rid of her. I love her already.

Growing Up

2011-07-11T22:45:00.002-04:00

I'm really glad that I've always been mature for my age.

It makes me feel old, though. When I talk to kids that are still in high school, or that have just graduated, I always compare them to myself. Actually, I compare myself to everyone. I probably shouldn't, because it usually makes me dislike them.

It's not that I think people should be more like me so much as it is that I think that people should grow up. I just want to ask them if they realize that they're making themselves look/sound like a total douche. Maybe I'm the only one who notices, though. I pay attention to the way people talk, and I hear what they are actually saying behind the words that they are speaking. I watch as they try to mask insecurities and jealousy. I see them trying to manipulate others, and spewing their bullshit so they can make themselves feel better.

Pathetic. It's all pathetic. I don't understand why people do that shit. And I know that it sounds like this whole subject is really bothering me, but it's not. It's just been on my mind lately, and it's all I can think about. It's like someone stuck a huge, neon sign in my head that screams and flashes the word "IMMATURE" at me just about every time someone opens their mouth. It will go away soon, though. This is just the way my mind works.

This post isn't going in the direction that I wanted it to go in. I can't blog anymore. Not like I used to.

Remember how I told you that I don't think I can ever be happy?

2011-02-24T21:43:00.002-05:00

The funny thing about that is that I recall happy memories more often than I remember the bad ones. Like with Coastal. I was so depressed when I lived there. I know I was. I would write in my diary and I would blog. My blogs were almost always long. They were realizations. They were my problems and my thoughts. But I don’t remember being that way when I think about Coastal. I think about the first time Hope and I really talked. And the first time that Kelsey, Hope, Allix, and I went out to eat together. And I think about John and how he used to say “You’ve got twelve minutes.” when he needed to go but I wanted him to stay. And how cool my English teacher was. And how I watched Brokeback Mountain with people on my hall on the night a hurricane was supposed to hit because I wanted to see them having buttsex. And how I planned to pillage and plunder all of the local stores after the hurricane hit. And how I watched the sunrise on the beach because I couldn’t sleep the night before. It was beautiful because it was still cloudy from the night before. And I took some really good pictures. Everything was okay, even though I was such a broken little mess. But I can’t recall the bad things so easily. It makes me wonder if everything was really as bad as it was. And I fucking miss Coastal. I think about Hope and Kelsey. I think about the campus. I think about the interstate on my way to the candy shop. I think about the strip and this really creepy intersection with stoplights that would never turn green for me, even though I never saw any other cars other than mine. I just miss it.

I felt so empty while I was there, but now I feel empty without it. I wish I knew what I was looking for. It hurts thinking that I may never find it. I just want to be happy. I don’t want to be content or complacent. I want to feel whole. I can’t be happy when I know that a part of me is lost somewhere. It’s like someone reached into my soul when I was born and tore part of it out of me and threw it into the wind. Then, that part of me was blown away somewhere. I don’t know if it’s close or halfway across the world. I don’t know if it’s still in tact or if it was broken and scattered about. And it just hurts to accept that lack of knowledge… and the little knowledge that I do have.

I really do think that you are one of my missing pieces. You just feel right and you make me feel less empty.

Cheater, Cheater.

2011-02-02T13:50:00.002-05:00

My heart broke this morning. It didn't break because of someone cheating on me, though. It broke because someone cheated on a person that I love more than anyone else (with the exception of a few people).

I don't understand why anyone would ever be unfaithful to their significant other. If you love someone, how could you be so selfish and so cold to hurt them that deeply? Cheating is never okay. There is no excuse, no exception, and no reason justifiable to merit infidelity. If you weren't getting the love that you needed or wanted from someone, leave them before you find it in someone else. Two-timing is cowardly. It's pathetic.

And it's sickening. I looked up to you. I thought you were one of the best, most sincere and genuine people that I knew. I considered you to be part of my family. Now, I have lost all of my respect for you.

If you read this, I just want you to know that you hurt more people than just him. He loved you. He provided for you for years. Yes, I know that he wasn't the best boyfriend. Nobody's perfect. But there is no excuse for what you did. I am so disappointed in you.

Zilla

2011-01-09T15:48:00.001-05:00

Tracing Constellations

2010-11-29T07:37:00.001-05:00

One cold night, beckoned by tides
We are pulled outside to sea
The universe has paused for us…

The stars are shining in your eyes
As I trace the constellations
That are mapped out on your skin.

My mind returns to ancient times
When heroes were preserved
Forever as diamonds set in black.

I look away and towards the skies
As I search for those patterns
And my heart races as they appear.

I feel your warmth, to my surprise
It brings me back to Earth
Your smile reawakens the universe.

(I had to do this poem as part of a project for my Geology class. I can't decide if I like it or not, but since I've taken to posting my finished poetry, I figured I would post it.)

Photoblog: Baby's Birthday Weekend

2010-09-26T10:17:00.013-04:00

I made a day-and-a-half trip to Charleston this weekend to see Baby for his 3rd birthday. I drove Grandmama's car because mine is in the shop, getting repaired from the damages it sustained in my wreck last weekend.
Anyways, this blog isn't about me. It's about my weekend.

Before I got there, Momma had taken Baby to Krispy Kreme. He got one of their little hats. When we were leaving to go to Dave's school to share cupcakes with them for Baby's birthday (because he said his party was going to have a lot of friends-- but Baby doesn't have any friends except for his imaginary friend), Baby had to make sure that he had his hat with him because it was his "birthday hat".

We got to the school and the children sang 'Happy Birthday' to him. He was so embarrassed. It made me sad. Momma made him a Spider Man Cupcake Cake to take to the kids.

Later that night, for his birthday dinner, Baby insisted on wearing his dress shoes with his jeans and polo to Chik-Fil-A.

The next day, we went to Bee City. While the trip was ultimately a disappointment because I went to learn about beekeeping, I got some really good shots of the animals at their petting zoo. (If you're interested in seeing some of the other pictures that I took at the petting zoo as well as other pictures I've taken, you can view them here.)

After we got back from Bee City, Baby had another birthday party. Mike, Sarah, Ward and their babies, and the man who married Momma and Dave (I cannot recall his name) came over and ate the Thomas the Train Engine cake that Momma made. Did the grass! :)

Then, I headed back home.

Some Days.

2010-09-14T13:59:00.001-04:00

Some days, you just know it’s going to be one of “those” days. Usually for me, “those” days are bad days. I wake up and I can tell that everything is going to go wrong. But today was different. Today, I didn’t wake up knowing that today was going to be one of “those” days. I woke up tired and slightly worried that my day would morph into a bad day because the first thing that I was greeted with was the knowledge that our toilet had overflowed earlier this morning.

But I managed to leave the house almost twenty minutes before I normally do, which meant that I could go get a Caramel Frappe from McDonalds. (I had been craving one.) I decided to stop by Dunkin Donuts to pick up two glazed donuts (one for me and one to give to someone who was hungry), then I drove to school. I ended up locking my keys in my car.

Now, for most people this would be a bad omen. And honestly, for me, it probably would have made me feel like my day was just going to spiral into a pit of shittiness. But for some reason, I just smiled and laughed at my stupidity. My professor just so happened to walk by right when I realized what I had done, so I told her that I was going to be late to class.

After class, I spoke to my teacher about an article that she wants me to write for the school newspaper, and then I decided to head to the Newspaper Staff Room to hang out during the break between my two classes. I didn’t expect to talk to anyone other than the editor in chief (if he was in the room) about my article, but I ended up talking to everyone who was in the room. I wasn’t even too nervous.

I left early, at the same time that a girl named Francis (I think…) left, so we walked to our classes and talked until we had go our separate ways. Since I got to my class early, I had to wait outside because the class before mine was taking an apparently difficult test. A guy in my class got there early, too, so we talked for a while, and then I talked a little bit to another guy who showed up early.

Some days are just good days.

I'm So FORTUN(E)ate

2010-09-12T11:45:00.003-04:00

Get it? No, you probably don't.

But now you do! :)

Momma made me a Wheel of Fortune themed cake for my birthday. It looks awesome.

Why I Consider Myself to be a Photographer

2010-08-06T00:27:00.001-04:00

Really, I only need one legitimate reason to call myself a photographer and I’ve got an indisputable one: for me, taking pictures is a passion. It’s more heartfelt than a “hobby”. It’s not just a trend for me. I don’t take pictures because of a “phase” that I’m going through or because it’s “what all my friends are doing” or because it’s “cool”.

I have been actively taking pictures since elementary school. That is, I have been taking pictures with a specific purpose for over twelve years. I remember where I was when I first realized that photographing my surroundings was going to become a part of me. It was at a Book Fair in my school’s library. I can’t remember what grade I was in though I think it was third. Third grade seemed to be a very important and defining year for me. My class had gone to look around and I found a book on photography. It even came with a camera. The book went over all of the camera basics: how cameras work, how to take a picture, etc.

So that was my moment. I began taking hundreds and hundreds of pictures. I’ve already got more pictures (printed pictures, not including pictures I have stored on my computer) than most adults have at the end of their lifetime. Granted, most of these pictures are “bad” pictures. They are out of focus or pointless. But the fact remains: I took pictures and I got better.

I don’t claim to know much about photography as a science, I only know it as an art. There is an incredible amount of information that I don’t know but I wish I did. I can take a good picture, but I could take a better picture.

I’ll be honest, it’s almost a waste that I have a DSLR because I hardly venture from its automatic settings. But you know what? I bought that camera myself. I saved up my money for it. Do you know why? Because, despite the fact that I asked for a “professional” camera for every birthday and every Christmas, I never got one. I even suggested that it could count for both since it’s so expensive. I asked for a DSLR for years. Once I reached a certain point with my 35mm, I couldn’t get better until I upgraded to a digital camera. Then, I got to the same point with that camera. I got to that point about two more times with better digital cameras until, finally, I could no longer improve with what I had to work with. I literally needed a DSLR.

Now I’ve got it, and I can improve. I am improving. So next time you see me walking around with my Nikon, before you automatically jump to conclusions and presume that I’m just some spoiled kid who wants to keep up with the latest trends, try to remember that there are people out there who are taking pictures because it completes them. I am a photographer— not because I have a fancy camera, but because I put my heart behind every click of the shutter and because I open up my soul every time I focus the lens.

2010-07-03T17:37:00.000-04:00

Lily at one year/two months/two days old, even though she was supposed to be “incompatible with life,” according to the doctors.

Day 25- Your Day, In Great Detail

2010-05-13T22:40:00.002-04:00

I woke up all by myself this morning at 9. I wanted to sleep until 10, though, so I went back to sleep. My alarm clock went off at 10, although it didn't feel to me like I had slept for another whole hour. Autumn texted me and asked if I wanted her to cook me a grilled cheese sandwich at Momma's, so I threw on some hipster outfit and went over. She made my sandwich and I made some mango tea using a mango flavored drink mix. :p I talked to her for a bit while she was working on her art journal, but she wasn't really listening to me, so I went back home. I played around on the internet for a little bit, shaved my legs, washed my hair, and started getting ready for work. Then, I took out the trash and went to pick Autumn up. Miles texted me while I was in the shower, which kindof surprised me since I broke up with him yesterday.
I got to work and did my job. Since all of the girls I work with are still in high school, they are prone to drama. I told them that, for future reference, if any of them happened to be told that I was talking shit about them, that it was untrue because I don't do that and I especially don't do it in the workplace. After Tower 3 got off, I pulled one girl aside and told her that I know that she doesn't like me, which I was fine with, but that I wanted her to know that I didn't steal her job from her and that the woman who told her that she could have my job before I got it was not authorized to "give" the position to her. She denied disliking me, but I expected as much.
I took another girl down to Tower 1 with me and then to the AC because she had to poop. Then, I drover her to her car and took Autumn home. I got home, talked to Grandmama for a minute, and then did some homework for one of my summer classes (boo!). Grandmama came into my room, so I tried to talk her into letting me have her room. She said no, but then I asked her that if I could keep my room clean until the end of summer, could we switch rooms? She said she'd think about it. SCOREEE. :)
Now, I am laying on my bed, half naked, typing this. When I get done, I will take a shower, burn Totoro onto my computer, and watch a movie on my TV until I am ready to go to bed.

Day 24- Whatever Tickles Your Fancy

2010-05-12T21:00:00.004-04:00

He who would achieve great things must first be born.

Generally speaking, I lean more towards the Pro-Choice side of the debate on abortion, but I like this picture and caption a lot.

Day 23- A YouTube Video

2010-05-11T14:11:00.001-04:00

Day 22- A Website

2010-05-10T22:23:00.001-04:00

www.neopets.com

I used to love playing on this site! I still do, sometimes....

Day 21- A Recipe

2010-05-10T00:15:00.002-04:00

Sesame Chicken

Ingredients:

* 3 whole boneless chicken breasts
* Marinade:
* 2 tablespoons light soy sauce
* 1 tablespoon cooking wine or dry sherry
* a few drops of sesame oil
* 2 tablespoons flour
* 2 tablespoons cornstarch
* 2 tablespoons water
* 1/4 teaspoon baking powder
* 1/4 teaspoon baking soda
* 1 teaspoon vegetable oil
* Sauce for Sesame Chicken:
* 1/2 cup water
* 1 cup chicken broth
* 1/8 cup vinegar
* 1/4 cup cornstarch
* 1 cup sugar
* 2 TB dark soy sauce
* 2 TB sesame oil
* 1 tsp chili paste, or more if desired
* 1 clove garlic (minced)
* Other:
* 2 tablespoons toasted sesame seeds (see recipe directions for link to how to toast)
* 3 1/2 - 4 cups peanut oil for deep-frying

Preparation:
Directions for Sesame Chicken: Toast the sesame seeds and set aside.

Cut the chicken into 1-inch cubes. Mix the marinade ingredients and marinate the chicken for 20 minutes.

To prepare the sauce: mix together all of the sauce ingredients. Pour them into a small pot and bring to a boil, stirring continuously. Turn the heat down to low and keep warm while you are deep-frying the chicken.

To deep-fry the chicken: add the marinated chicken pieces a few at a time, and deep-fry until golden brown. Drain on paper towels. Repeat with the remainder of the chicken.

Just before you are finished deep-frying, bring the sauce back up to a boil.
Place the chicken on a large platter and pour the sauce over. Sprinkle with sesame seeds. Serve the Sesame Chicken with rice.

Day 20- A Hobby Of Yours

2010-05-08T16:13:00.003-04:00

You all know I love taking pictures. ;) I bought a Nikon D5000 today and took some pictures of Autumn because her prom is tonight...

Day 19- A Talent Of Yours

2010-05-07T15:54:00.000-04:00

I was told yesterday that I sound "sweet" when I sing... :)

Day 18- Whatever Tickles Your Fancy

2010-05-06T22:27:00.003-04:00

I really like the following quote. The picture is nice, too, but the quote is something that I think every one should strive to remember. I often forget and-- I'll be quite honest; sometimes I don't care depending on the person. If I were to get any quote tattooed on me, this would be the one.

Day 17- An Art Piece

2010-05-05T16:00:00.001-04:00

I made this in February as a birthday present for my Grandmama. :)

Day 16- A Song That Makes You Cry (Or Nearly)

2010-05-04T13:43:00.001-04:00

Day 15- A Fanfic

2010-05-03T21:43:00.003-04:00

Lauren Greiner, a girl I went to high school with, drew this picture. It's her rendition of the two main characters from Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. I love that movie, and her representation is GREAT! She is so incredibly talented.

Day 14- A Nonfiction Book

2010-05-02T16:56:00.002-04:00

This is just about the only nonfiction book that I can read all the way through. I met the co-author of this book in middle school. He came to my school and signed books and stuff. Actually, I've been thinking about this book recently. I'll read it again.

Day 13- A Fictional Book

2010-05-01T22:56:00.002-04:00

Such a good book! :)

Day 12- Whatever Tickles Your Fancy

2010-04-30T23:24:00.003-04:00

I'm currently watching this movie.

I may or may not have an unnaturally fondness for Anthony Hopkins... :)

Day 11- A Photo Of You Taken Recently

2010-04-29T23:41:00.002-04:00

I cut my hair myself today for the first time ever! :)

Day 10- A Photo Of You Taken Over Ten Years Ago

2010-04-28T15:21:00.002-04:00

First grade. :)

Day 09- A Photo That You Took

2010-04-27T12:09:00.002-04:00

Day 08- A Photo That Makes You Angry/Sad

2010-04-26T23:18:00.003-04:00

I think I posted a blog around the time that Heidi died explaining why I felt so bad, which also explains why this picture makes me sad. I'm not going to explain it, though. Just looking at this photo makes my eyes tear up.

Day 07- A Photo That Makes You Happy

2010-04-25T18:25:00.003-04:00

It's not this picture that makes me happy, it's just the time-frame that it was taken. The end of November was a really good time for me, and I was euphoric.

Day 06- Whatever Tickles Your Fancy

2010-04-24T17:13:00.002-04:00

So, I took a weekend trip to visit my friends/old roommates from Coastal. I'm leaving sometime tomorrow... I am having such a good time. I missed everyone so much! I'm super tired right now and I don't want to be doing my homework, so I'm keeping this short and heading off to bed. :)

Day 05- Your Favorite Quote

2010-04-23T10:11:00.000-04:00

"This, too, shall pass."

Day 04- Your Favorite Book

2010-04-22T14:40:00.002-04:00

This trilogy is a great read. It's fantasy fiction with a good plot and enough action to keep me interested. I plan on buying it sometime this summer.

Day 03- Your Favorite Television Program

2010-04-21T10:22:00.002-04:00

I really like CSI.

I also like South Park.
http://www.southparkstudios.com/episodes/

And The Mentalist.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1196946/

Day 02- Your Favorite Movie

2010-04-20T23:08:00.002-04:00

Once again, I really cannot pick a favorite. I'll watch a movie for the first time, and I will love it. I will think about it constantly for the next few weeks or so. Then, by the time I watch it again, the splendor has significantly faded. One movie that I will never get tired of, though, is Lilo and Stitch. :)

Day 01- Your Favorite Song

2010-04-19T18:16:00.002-04:00

Literally, I could never pick a favorite song of all time. It is impossible because my favorite songs all have different reasons why they're my favorites. It's like asking me to pick a favorite food instead of a favorite type of meat.

However, the song I really like right now is "Goodnight Moon" by Go Radio.

And dont go to bed yet love, I think its too early
And we just need a little time to ourselves
If my wall clock tells me that it's 4 in the morning I'll give it hell

Cause Ive been trying way too long
To try and be the perfect song
When our hearts are heavy burdens
We shouldnt have to bear alone

So goodnight moon and goodnight you
When youre all that I think about
All that I dream about
Howd I ever breathe without
A goodnight kiss from goodnight you

The kind of hope they all talk about
The kind of feeling we sing about
Sit in our bedroom and read aloud
Like a passage from goodnight moon

And sing for me softly love your song for tomorrow
And tell my names the one thats hidden in there somewhere
And dream for me anything
But dream it in color about when all the suns still rising and we dont care

Cause Ive been trying way too long
To try and be the perfect song
When our hearts are heavy burdens
We shouldnt have to bear alone

So goodnight moon and goodnight you
When youre all that I think about
All that I dream about
Howd I ever breathe without
A goodnight kiss from goodnight you

The kind of hope they all talk about
The kind of feeling we sing about
Sit in our bedroom and read aloud
Like a passage from goodnight moon
From goodnight moon

And there you were
As I saw my Juliet come graceful down the stairs
It's hard to miss the way her eyes light up the room and steal the air
Just feel her lips lock on to every breath I take, cant breath it in
Do you feel us falling? Cause I feel us falling.

So goodnight moon and goodnight you
When youre all that I think about
All that I dream about
Howd I ever breathe without
A goodnight kiss from goodnight you

The kind of hope they all talk about
The kind of feeling we sing about
Sit in our bedroom and read aloud
Like a passage from goodnight moon (whoa)
Oh goodnight moon (whoa-oh-oh)

And there you were
I saw my Juliet come graceful down the stairs
It's hard to miss the way her eyes light up the room and steal the air

Do you feel us falling? Cause I can feel us falling.
Do you feel us falling? Cause I can feel us falling.
Do you feel us falling? Cause I can feel us falling.
Do you feel us falling? Cause I can feel us falling.
Do you feel us falling? Cause I can feel us falling.
Do you feel us falling? Cause I can feel us falling.
Do you feel us falling? Cause I can feel us falling.

30 Day Challenge:

2010-04-19T14:17:00.000-04:00

Day 01 — Your favorite song
Day 02 — Your favorite movie
Day 03 — Your favorite television program
Day 04 — Your favorite book
Day 05 — Your favorite quote
Day 06 — Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 07 — A photo that makes you happy
Day 08 — A photo that makes you angry/sad
Day 09 — A photo you took
Day 10 — A photo of you taken over ten years ago
Day 11 — A photo of you taken recently
Day 12 — Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 13 — A fictional book
Day 14 — A non-fictional book
Day 15 — A fanfic
Day 16 — A song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 17 — An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)
Day 18 — Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 19 — A talent of yours
Day 20 — A hobby of yours
Day 21 — A recipe
Day 22 — A website
Day 23 — A YouTube video
Day 24 — Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 25 — Your day, in great detail
Day 26 — Your week, in great detail
Day 27 — This month, in great detail
Day 28 — This year, in great detail
Day 29 — Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 — Whatever tickles your fancy

How To Be A Better Person

2010-04-07T23:05:00.001-04:00

* Think of others more often than you think of yourself.
* Exercise as often as possible.
* Drink more milk and water.
* Save a life.
* Alleviate someone’s pain.
* Control your temper.
* Do not allow sadness to enter your life for extended periods of time.
* Don’t stress out over the things that you think are important because they’re probably not as important as you make them out to be when you waste your time worrying about them.
* Learn from your mistakes instead of repeating them.
* Be brave. Take chances.
* Indulge in artistic endeavors.
* Do what you can.
* Make someone’s day if you’re given the opportunity.
* Think before you (re)act.
* Smile. :)

A Stunning Revelation

2010-02-27T14:42:00.003-05:00

Last night, I spent the night with Lindsey. She asked me a wonderful question which, allowed me to realize a very poignant truth.

Her question was: What are the ten standards you will not lower when looking for a suitable partner and a serious relationship?

1) Politeness. Being polite encompasses a lot of important sub-categories (one being respect). I dated a guy once who was only superficially polite. He was a dick until he knew people were watching, and then he tried to look like he wasn't a greasy slimeball.
2) A Sense of Humor. More specifically, a sense of humor that will compliment my own. Laughing and being able to have a good time despite unwanted circumstances is very important to me.
3) Sexual Attraction. This means, to be perfectly honest and blunt, that he can't be ugly. I'm not attracted to ugly people. You can call it being superficial if you'd like but I'm willing to bet that if you think that me having to be sexually attracted to my partner is shallow, then you're either jealous or have self-confidence/self-image issues.
4) Self Sufficiency. Any guy that wants to be with me has to have some form of income and a car. While I love driving and will always be the one to drive us places, I do not want to chauffeur you around so you can get your daily tasks done. Having money is a given. I don't care if you have a lot of money so long as you have enough to go out and do things with me on occasion (and I never ask you to/make you pay for me).
5) Balance. I consider myself to be much more of a giver than a taker, but I will end a relationship if I am constantly giving and never receiving. Selfishness is such a turn-off.
6) Comfort-level. I don't expect this standard to be met right from the start. Actually, that would be really weird. Eventually, however, I want to be so comfortable with you that nothing I say/do will be out of bounds. Being comfortable with you also means that I trust you. I want to be able to trust you more than anyone else and I want to feel secure that I could do anything with you and not have to second-guess myself.
7) Similar Core Principles. You cannot have anything that I would deem to be a "fatal flaw". For example; habitual drug users, alcoholics, violent tendencies, boring personality.
8) Intelligence. I cannot date someone who is less intelligent than I consider myself to be. Preferably, I would like to date someone who is slightly smarter than I am.
9) Proper Grammar. Most people would probably laugh at this standard, but I will not date someone who cannot spell basic English words or someone who does not know the difference between homophones.
10) Stimulation. My partner has to be able to carry on a conversation, participate in a debate, and be willing to challenge ideas that he disagrees with. I need someone to interact with and I need someone who is adventurous and able to take me out of my comfort zone.

After listing my ten standards, I realized that I'm really not asking for much. I'm asking for a good guy. And if anyone thinks that asking for a decent man is asking for too much, then I am really disappointed in how far society has fallen.

It's Been A Long Time Coming

2010-02-25T19:55:00.004-05:00

One of the reasons why I am so turned off by the prospect of looking for a man to become romantically involved with is the fact that there are so many unsuitable guys out there. I am just completely appalled and rather disappointed in the lack of charm that the men of this day and age possess.

While I am fully aware that I have "high standards", I feel like it is a ridiculous proposition for someone to tell me that I shouldn't ask for a guy who can sweep me off my feet. Isn't that part of falling in love? Although I do not know exactly what I want per se, I know what I don't want when I see it.

Guys that approach me are generally intolerably ignorant. I cannot even fathom why they would think that we would get along. (Although, they really couldn't care less if we got along, most of them. They're just looking for a face pretty enough to have sex with without putting a bag over the poor broad's head.) To be perfectly honest, I always take a horrible glance back at myself to try and figure out what exactly I am doing wrong to attract these miscreants.

I'm not dumb.
I'm not easy.
I'm not unaware of motives.
I'm not trash.
I am worth something.

Snow Day

2010-02-14T11:47:00.002-05:00

Blast from the Past

2010-02-13T18:07:00.002-05:00

Right before Baby was supposed to be born... That's root beer, btw. :)

Chris:

2010-02-05T13:10:00.002-05:00

If I don't want you on my MySpace, FaceBook, texting me, calling me, or in my front yard, why would I want you here?

That's right, I wouldn't.

As I said before: LEAVE ME ALONE. Here, let me put this into perspective for you.
"Stalking is defined as a repeated malicious pursuit that threatens the safety of the victim. It may involve following a victim; threats of physical harm to the victim, one's self, or another person; or restricting the behavior of the victim, including kidnapping or home invasion. The most common stalking behavior (which is also prohibited by law) is unwanted "obsessional following" (Meloy and Fisher 2005)."
You fall into the category of the last sentence and you need to stop.

Anonymous

2010-01-31T11:13:00.001-05:00

Occasionally, I get comments from Anonymous people. I have a question for you all: How did you find my blog? I'm really very curious.

Please let me know! :D

You Learn Something New Every Day (Photo Blog!)

2010-01-27T23:11:00.003-05:00

Today, I learned that my camera can take pictures using different aspect ratios. :)
I only have one picture taken from a different ratio so far, but here are some recent pictures that I have taken. ^_^

My Dream, Dissected

2010-01-23T01:08:00.004-05:00

* The evil dictator marrying the woman who was my mother. I recently watched Pan’s Labyrinth.
* The innocent girl. I think this was probably Lily.
* The van filling up with water. One of the girls I follow posted pictures of her hometown flooding. Plus, I just wrecked my car which landed in a ditch beside a pond.
* The girl drowning. While Lily may not be literally drowning, she is most likely going to face an untimely death.
* The girl’s necklaces caught in the seatbelt. I kept three charms on my rearview mirror in my car. The wreck caused them to become tangled up and difficult to remove.
* The fact that one of the girl’s necklaces was a Saint necklace. I always wear my Saint Christopher Protect Us necklace. Right before I fell asleep for this nap, I was wondering if my necklace saved me from dying on Wednesday. I also gave Lily a Saint Christopher necklace of her own when she was born.
* The fact that the evil guy also had a Saint necklace. I’m reading about Hinduism for my religion class and one of the things I read was about how you must love everyone, even the evil. The villain having Saint necklace connected him to me and to the innocent girl.
* The virtual spirits and the dropoff area with the vortex. I think this is from recently reading (and seeing) The Lovely Bones. I also think this is about how I could have died this week.
* The way the virtual spirits looked and the factory. I just watched the movie 9, so I think my mind was making its own version of the movie.
* The fact that people kept changing. I think that one’s kind of obvious. Just because someone seems ok doesn’t mean that they’re not a sneaky snake.
* Me having to run away in order to not be killed by those people for saving their lives. I can’t really explain this one, but I think it’s very profound and deep and also deals with my car wreck.
* Warrick and Nick from CSI. I watch entirely too much CSI.

NOTE: I didn't say "Momma" or "Autumn" when referring to "my mother" or "my sister", because it wasn't really them. They were completely different people, but in this dream, these strangers were my mom and sister.

My Dream-Nightmare Hybrid I Had Today During My Nap

2010-01-23T01:08:00.001-05:00

I was somewhere really shitty. The landscape was dark, barren, and rundown; the ruler was evil. The woman who was my mother married him. So, my mother (the driver), and innocent girl (in the second row), myself (third row), my sister [I think] (fourth row, to the left) and the evil guy (fourth row, to the right) were in a van. Suddenly, the van was filling up with water. My sister and I had planned to kill the ruler since he was evil, so she started trying to drown the guy. He kept resisting and the water wasn’t deep enough to make the job easy for her. I was torn between trying to help her or saving the innocent girl because she was drowning. Her necklaces were caught on her seatbelt. My mother told me that I needed to save the girl, so I took off one of her necklaces (which happened to be some sort of Saint necklace) and saved her. I pulled her into the row with me while trying to figure out how to distract her from seeing what my sister was doing while simultaneously trying to help kill the guy. Somehow, he ended up being killed. I found his Saint necklace on the floor. I wanted to keep it, but my sister came around to look for it, so I gave it to her. Then, we were all on a blimp. My mother turned out to be evil, too, so I threw her off the blimp’s balcony. I may or may not have killed another bad person, too. And I did it discreetly so the others on the blimp wouldn’t realize what was going on and freak out. I ended up in an estranged version of my room only to find out that I hadn’t really killed the villians. Their virtual spirits had somehow gotten in my room and were after me. I locked them in my room and joined everyone downstairs in the living room, but the virtual spirits were sending lesser virtual spirits to harrass me outside of the window. Somehow, I drove them off. Then, my sister tells me that she has to do something and that she needs my help. I know what she wants me to do, and I don’t want to do it, but I reluctantly oblige. We’re in this mental hospital that’s set up like a shopping center. I find another Saint necklace on the ground. My sister had to take someone’s soul—the evil ruler’s, I presume— and send it away. These souls were really fucking creepy looking. They looked like they were made out of really malleable clay, they were too tall to be people, their eyes were round, their skin was pallid, their clothes were tattered and they looked like they were melting. All of these living people were sending them down this hall and into a vortex to get rid of them once and for all. My sister and I finally got near the end and sent his soul into the vortex, which made the vortex expand in slow motion. We had to run away and get through the door or else we were going to die, too. We make it through the portal and we’re in this work site, like a factory. This girl is trying to get onto the evil guy’s computer system but she can’t do it. She didn’t know, but I changed the password right before I got through the door back into the real world. I couldn’t let her know that I changed. Because I couldn’t let her see me log in to his system, nobody could log on and the vortex was about to explode out of the door and into the real world. One of the guys that was in the room with us told everyone to get out so they could live. I stayed and logged in just in the nick of time. Apparently, this guy was my lover or something similar, because while the people were distracted by the vortex and the reality that they were almost sucked into an enormous orange and yellow mass, he and I got in my car and escaped because we would have been killed for saving them. Two people (who happened to be Warrick Brown and Nick Stokes from CSI) ran out as we were making our escape. They couldn’t catch up with us, so they just waved bye.

Elements of Surprise

2010-01-03T23:14:00.001-05:00

Modifications

2009-12-20T21:27:00.003-05:00

My room here at Grandmama's house is rather... sucky. The walls are this ugly tan color that literally drives me crazy and makes me feel depressed. The lighting is horrible. The good news is, is that I'm working on fixing it up so I can feel more like I'm living in my room instead of just visiting for an extended period of time. Grandmama and I bought the paint today. Turquoise for my walls, black for my night stand, book shelf, and picture frame. I'm in the process of looking for a dresser, which I will also paint if it's not black.

I've moved a lot of stuff out of my room already. I have also put painter's tape around the baseboards. (Although, I've got about a four foot stretch that I've yet to cover because my bed is in the way, but I'm not going to sleep with it pulled away from the wall.)

Tomorrow, I'm going to paint! I'm going to see if Daddy will help me move the dresser that I currently have out of my room. I don't want it; it takes up entirely too much space.

Here's my room as it currently looks:

I'll post pictures once I've painted it and rearranged it and everything! :D
I'm really excited about this!

Liar, liar.

2009-11-29T23:50:00.000-05:00

He said to me so soft and sweet, "You'll never have to feel alone. Not as long as I'm around." And I believed his every word, I let my walls fall to the ground. He crushed my heart and left me broken; my ears still ringing of past words spoken. “You’ll never have to feel alone. Not as long as I’m around.” To me, that sentiment was so profound. I swallowed too much and I was drowned.

Lily

2009-11-17T13:26:00.006-05:00

This is my baby sister, Lily. Lily has a rare chromosomal defect called Trisomy 18, also known as Edward’s Syndrome. This disease affects about 1:1500 babies a year, with only 1:3000 of them being born alive. (If you’re horrible with probability and statistics like I am, that means that only half of the babies who have Trisomy 18 are born alive.) After birth, these babies have a 50% chance of living to two months, and a 10% chance of living to their first birthday. Lily is 6 and a half months old. Lily barely weighs nine pounds, despite her age. Many people think she was a preemie due to her tiny frame, but she was actually two weeks late. Babies, children, and even some adults living with this syndrome suffer from severe developmental (mental and physical) delays as well as physical deformities. The severity of these symptoms differ from person to person, however, they also depend on the type of Trisomy the individual has.

It’s very difficult to think about Lily, because of the uncertainty of her longevity. I hate it when people ask me how she is. I don’t know. She may seem to be doing well, but she will never be “ok”, “good”, or “well”. This disorder will kill her and she won’t be able to live a normal, full life. She may be doing fine today, but she could easily die tomorrow.

I didn’t post this to get attention or sympathy. I posted this to raise awareness of this condition. I’m sure you’ve heard of Down Syndrome. Down Syndrome is Trisomy 21 and is the most popular chromosomal defect. Trisomy 18 is the second most popular Trisomy. Because Trisomy is a chromosomal defect, it can happen to anyone’s child. There are no specific limitations to who this can happen to.

I Didn't Want This On My Other Blogging Site Anymore...

2009-09-26T19:16:00.001-04:00

(This part isn't mine...)

if christianity is just a “conspiracy theory”, how did it last so long? think about watergate- there were four people involved in watergate, and i think one cracked after what, twelve days? something like that.

how many people were involved in christianity? do you think jesus (who has been proven to exist) just walked around and convinced people to put up with stoning, beatings, and persecution just to fool everyone? i wouldn’t do that. i don’t think anyone would do that. and the apostles, there are records that they existed as well. most of them were killed after jesus died. would you die to protect the reputation of someone that had already died? john was exiled to a deserted island. would you put yourself through that?
probably not.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(This is...)

Actually, I read the answer to some of your questions a few hours ago for a History test that I had to take.

The reason that Christianity lasted, and became so huge was because the Roman Empire tried to force it to cease to exist. It was essentially a rebellion. The Roman Empire didn’t approve of Christianity because of their belief of a lone god, instead of multiple gods. They burned Christian-related religious documents, destroyed religious edifices, and killed Christians. But the Christians believed vehemently that Jesus rose after he was crucified. They stood by their beliefs because they had what they saw to be proof, and they were willing to die because martyrdom was the new “fad”. Christians believed that death in this world was simply a portal to life in a new, better world. Dying at the hands of someone who didn’t believe that, was really just a guarantee that they would make it to that world. Other people who didn’t originally believe in God saw these people dying for their beliefs and were drawn to believe it, too. Which is how Christianity has lasted so long, and spread so quickly.

Tl;dr— read it, it’s factual information fresh in my brain.

And I’d like to add that just because you believe that someone wouldn’t lie to people to make them believe something… doesn’t mean that other people wouldn’t. I will agree with you: it’s wrong. But people have different belief systems, different values, and different morals. Jesus did exist, that is a fact. But it can’t be proven that he rose from the dead. It can’t be proven that he preformed miracles. There may be “recorded” evidence… but you can’t believe everything you read. You also mention “dying to protect someone who is already dead”… as I mentioned above, that’s not what his followers died for.

I Didn't Write This, But It's So True

2009-09-25T12:46:00.001-04:00

The 30 Most Satisfying Simple Pleasures Life Has to Offer

1. Sleeping In on a Rainy Day – As the rain beats lightly against the window, you nestle your head deeper into your pillow. The sound is soothing and your bed feels like a sanctuary. There is no place you would rather be.
2. Finding Money You Didn’t Know You Had – You reach into your pocket and find a $20 bill from the last time you wore these jeans. You aren’t rich, but you are richer than you were a second earlier.
3. Making Brief Eye Contact with Someone of the Opposite Sex – You pass her on the street or in the subway. She glances up at you momentarily, making direct eye contact in a way that seems to communicate a subtle curiosity. For a split second it makes you think… and then it’s gone.
4. Skinny Dipping – There is something mysteriously liberating about being naked in a body of water. You are naked, but it feels natural, a sense of unrefined freedom.
5. Receiving a Real Letter or Package via Snail Mail – E-mail has become the primary source of written communication. Most snail mail these days is junk mail. When you check the mail and find a real letter or package from someone you know, excitement overtakes you as you tear into this rare gift.
6. Making the Yellow Light - It’s one of the most common simple pleasures, the act of beating the pack. As you blaze through the yellow light you glance in your rearview to see all the cars behind you stopping at the red light. Yes! You made it!
7. Telling a Funny or Interesting, True Story - One of the most enticing roles you lead in life is that of the storyteller. You love to share stories, especially those that will captivate your audience with deep curiosity and humor. There are few things more satisfying than telling a true story that others enjoy listening to.
8. Seeing a Friend Stumble Over Himself – As you walk across the street with your friend, he fails to accurately address the curb on the other side. He trips and stumbles around momentarily before regaining his footing, then swiftly attempts to play it off like nothing happened. This can be a hilarious sight if the moment is right.
9. Hearing the Right Song at the Right Moment - It doesn’t matter what the setting is, hearing the right song for that moment is one of those simple pleasures in life that instantly lifts your spirits. You could be driving home from work, hanging out at a bar with friends, or jogging. When the right song rattles your ear drums the entire meaning of life seems crystal clear.
10. The First Sip of a Beverage When You’re Thirsty – You just finished mowing the lawn or taking a long jog. The only thing on your mind is an ice-cold glass of water. When you are really, really thirsty, that first sip of any liquid beverage is sheer bliss.
11. Catching a Glimpse of Bare Skin on the Opposite Sex – For guys, it’s when the waitress bends over a little too far. For girls it’s seeing that buff guy in a Speedo. Either way, when you see a bit more skin than you were expecting on the opposite sex, you can’t help but to smirk on the inside.
12. Saying the Same Thing Simultaneously – There is a moment of silence. Then all of the sudden you and your friend blurt out the same exact set of words simultaneously. This rare occurrence is something to smile about.
13. The Pull-Through Parking Spot – You pull into a parking spot and are delighted to see the availability of the parking spot immediately in front of you. You pull through to the spot in front so that when you return to the car you can drive forward out of the parking spot. Why? Because driving backwards is a pain in the butt.
14. Realizing You Have More Time to Sleep – Something abruptly awakens you and you think it’s time to get up. Then you squint over at your alarm clock and realize you still have 2 more hours to sleep. A warm euphoric feeling shoots though your body as you glide gracefully back to your dreams.
15. People Watching – Sitting there on your bench you can see people in every direction. Tall people, small people, thin and plump. Blond, brunette, and redhead alike. Each of them has a different stride and a unique expression. As you drift from body to body you are mesmerized by what you see.
16. Putting On Clothes Straight from the Dryer – As soon as the dryer buzzes, you pull out your clothes and put them on. They feel soothingly warm on your skin and emit a fresh-scented aroma into the air. A sentiment of ease comes over you as you head out to conquer the day.
17. A Familiar Smell – You just pulled into your parent’s driveway and opened the car door. You haven’t been home in a long while. You smell familiarity in the air, the scent of a large pine tree in the neighbor’s yard. As you head through the front door, more familiar smells consume your senses. Gosh, it feels good to be home…
18. The Feeling You Get When Your Idea Works – You have been struggling to resolve a complex problem all day and you just can’t seem to get it right. Filled with frustration, you decide to exercise one last idea before calling it a night. You’ve had many ideas before that failed miserably… but this time it works.
19. Fresh, Clean Bed Sheets – You yank at the corner of the bedspread to create just enough space to slide your body under the freshly cleaned sheets. The sheets feel cool to the touch. Everything seems so clean, like nobody has ever slept in this bed before.
20. A Beautiful View – As the car veers around the side of the mountain you gaze out the passenger window. It’s a clear, sunny day and you can see the entire valley below filled with wild flowers and bright green vegetation. The scenery reminds you of something you once saw in National Geographic. But here it is live, right before your eyes.
21. Reminiscing About Old Times with Your Closest Friends – Pink Floyd once said “the memories of a man in his old age are the deeds of a man in his prime”. There is no simple pleasure more satisfying than recounting the greatest moments of your life with your closest friends who lived these moments alongside you.
22. Receiving an Unexpected Compliment – It’s been an average day. Nothing really great has happened, but nothing terrible occurred either. This monotonous day has put you in a dreary mood. Unexpectedly, an older, attractive lady taps you on the shoulder, calls you “handsome” and says she loves your shirt. The day just got a whole lot better.
23. Having a Good Laugh – Laughter is the greatest cure of all. Life is extraordinary in the moments when you are laughing so hard you can barely breathe. These moments of deep laughter are divine in the sense that they cleanse your mood and set your mind on a positive track.
24. The Feeling After a Healthy Workout - It’s a giddy feeling of self accomplishment; the one true activity that actually makes you feel better and look better simultaneously. When you walk out the front door of the gym you are on top of the world.
25. The Celebration in the Instant Something Makes Sense – Even now that it has explained to you for the third time, you just don’t understand how it works. Everyone else seems to understand but you. Then out of the blue the dots connect in your mind. You finally get it, and it feels great!
26. Relaxing Outdoors on a Sunny Day – As you relax sprawled out in a lawn chair, the sun warms your skin and a light breeze keeps the temperature comfortable. Birds are chirping merrily in the trees behind you. You are at complete peace with the environment.
27. Holding Hands with Someone You Love – Every time she grabs your hand you are overcome with an awareness of how much she means to you. Holding hands is sensual and physically intimate, yet subtle. There are few people you allow to hold your hand, so when it happens you can be sure that the moment is special.
28. Playing in the Water – Water marvels people of all ages. From jumping in puddles as a child, to doing cannon balls in the pool as an adolescent, to enjoying a cocktail in the Jacuzzi as an adult… water is enjoyable.
29. Making Someone Smile – You notice that your colleague has been under a great deal of stress with meeting a deadline, so you take it upon yourself to complete one of her indirect responsibilities for her. As soon as she realizes what you did, she comes into your office with a big smile on her face. “Thank you”, she says. You just hit two birds with one stone, because making her smile just made your day.
30. Finishing What You Started – You just finished up a big project you’ve been working on for the last few months, or maybe you just finished your first marathon… Either way, you finalized what you set out to accomplish. The feeling of self accomplishment you get when you finish what you started is by far one of the most rewarding simple pleasures life has to offer.

Hatchlings.

2009-09-22T21:49:00.002-04:00

I wrote a poem today. I needed a break from three days of math. (God, I hate math!!!) After I got out of the shower, I thought of the concept, and went from there. It's not what I wanted, or how I wanted it, but the point didn't get lost in translation... even though the point isn't what you'd think it to be. Ahh, just read it if you'd like.

Never have I been more perfectly matched
Than I was with you on the day we hatched.
We'd sit in our nest while ignoring the days.
Both our eyes locked on each other's gaze.
One by one, all of our friends learned to fly.
We'd wave our wings as they said goodbye.
Until no one was left other than you and me.
But I didn't mind, I was happy as I could be.
I was ready to venture and see all the world
From another perspective, wings uncurled.
You were content staying right in the nest,
Away from the dangers you felt was best.
So I stayed with you and soon became sad.
This was nothing like the dream of us I had.
Then, finally, one day, with tears in my eyes,
I looked solemnly at you and said my goodbyes.
I flew away quickly and never looked back
For I knew if I did, my heart would crack.
Never have I been more perfectly matched
Than I was with you on the day we hatched.
I want you to know while we're so far apart,
That you will always hold the key to my heart.
If you gather the courage to take your wing,
Come back to me and together we'll sing:
Never have I been more perfectly matched
Than I was with you on the day we hatched...

Summer's End

2009-08-13T16:19:00.002-04:00

Once again, it's been a long time since I've blogged on this site. Not like I didn't give a warning though. :)

This isn't really an update blog, because after my previous blog, my summer adventures essentially ceased, unfortunately. This blog is more like my normal blogs.

I've had something on my mind lately, actually, I've noticed something about my mind lately...

Sometime during the summer, I've noticed that my perception of the world has changed. I see things differently now, I'm more aware of things.

For example, when I watch TV now, I'm analyzing everything. In commercials, I hear the words used to manipulate the watcher into thinking that their product is worth buying. When I'm watching a show, I notice when the acting is exceptioally poor. I notice when things are off, or when the producers make a mistake.

When I hear things, I notice more sounds than I used to notice. I can hear the high pitched buzz from the TV downstairs when I'm on the next level of the house.

My memory has even improved...sort of. It's not awesome, but I've been better at discerning how much time has elapsed between certain events in my life.

Honestly, I think it's because I've picked up reading again. I haven't read a book for pleasure in a long time. I've read four or five books in just a few days.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My tastes in music constantly change. Sometimes, I just want to listen to mellow, calming music. (Like City and Colour, Nevershoutnever!, Hellogoodbye, etc.) Other times I want to hear harder, heavier stuff. (Like Chiodos, Attack Attack!, The Devil Wears Prada, and A Day to Remember) I don't like it when people ask me what my favorite kind of music is because it changes. I listen to many different styles of music. I don't listen to everything, but I do listen to more than most people... I think. And I don't like saying that I "hate" any particular type. There are some that I generally dislike, but I'm willing to listen to anything once. (Meaning, any individual song.)

It angers me when people say "I really like so and such, but I doubt you would." Or, "I didn't think you'd like this band, so I didn't mention them." Maybe I don't like the song, or the artist. But I'll still listen to it before I give a definite yes or no.

But, no matter what type of music I'm listening to... I'm never ashamed. I never feel geeky or uncool or embarrassed by the music I listen to.

Even if some of the bands I listen to suck. (Like BrokeNCYDE, Millionaires, Backstreet Boys, Miley Cyrus [only some songs]) :)

Picture Blog Update:

2009-06-30T21:44:00.006-04:00

So, here's what's been going on recently in my life. :)

:)

W0W

2009-06-03T18:50:00.003-04:00

I haven't written a blog in just a little short of a month. Technically, that's not true. I have another website that I continually update. I just write my little thoughts on that one, post pictures/songs.
If you're interested, you can ask me for the link, but I probably won't oblige you. My other blog is a secret. Only one person reads what I write on that. If anyone else does, they're strangers. And I am faceless. I like it that way. I don't have to censor things or choose my wordings.
I haven't been writing big, long works for quite a few reasons. The main reason is that I've been so busy, I just haven't had anything to eat away at me that I can turn into something huge. (Although, I do have something at the moment, expect another blog right after this one.) I've hardly had time to even think.
A sub-reason under this reason is because I've been busy making the most of my summer. I've been out of school for about a month now, and I have only been bored ONE night out of its entirety. How cool is that? :) I made a promise to myself that this was going to be the best summer of my life and that every summer after this one will be even better!
Another reason is because I can sleep now. It's so wonderful. But, since I'm not up obscenely late anymore, which is when I prefer to blog, I don't. (That's two reasons in itself!)

So, until my manic phase and summer break ends, don't be expecting many blogs.

Rations

2009-05-08T22:46:00.003-04:00

What I can Provide/Promise in a Serious Relationship:

-- I will enjoy my time spent with you, even if the situation isn't what we expected. (I.e., we go see a crappy movie that we thought was going to be amazing.)
-- I will give you my heart in a minute if you prove to me that you can handle it with care.
-- I will trust everything that you pinkie promise me. Until you break one.
-- I will stay on the phone with you until the stars fade and not mind it one bit.
-- I will be honest with you. When you ask for the truth, the truth is what you will get.
-- I will try my best to surprise you and to do cute little things in order to prove to you just exactly how much you mean to me.
-- I will go ANYWHERE with you. If no one else will go, you will have me.
-- I will be adventurous with you. We will go places and do exciting new things.
-- I will think about you too often and daydream about you even moreso.
-- I will NEVER reject holding you hand, and when I do, it's only because I'm testing you to see if you'll hold it tighter.
-- I will have trouble falling asleep when you're holding me, because I'm just that excited at how right you feel.
-- I will not be opposed to PDA. You can hold my hand, or kiss me, or hug me in public. I don't mind. :)
-- I will probably call you/text you a lot. Be warned.
-- I will be there to listen to everything you have to say. Even if you think it's stupid.
-- I will let you confide in me. If you tell me a secret, I'll keep it with me. It's one of the only things I won't share.
-- I will share everything else with you. Even my favorite foods, or my last piece of gum, or my secrets, or my last few dollars.
-- I will always be willing to hang out with you. There's nothing else I'd rather do.
-- I will read anything you've written, I will listen to you sing a song or play an instrument, I will try anything you've cooked, etc.
-- I will drive. I love driving. So long as you hold my hand while I'm driving. Until I need to make a turn, then I'll need it back for a second.
-- I will write at least one poem about you or the way you make me feel. If I think it's good enough, and if I'm comfortable enough with you, I'll read it to you one day.
-- I will, as cliche and stupid as it is, think about you when I hear certain songs.
-- I will eventually come up with too many pet names for you to keep up with.
-- I will do everything I can to make you happy and keep you safe.
-- I will worry about you. A lot.
-- I will send you links and pictures of things that make me laugh or remind me of you.
-- I will help you with your problems.
-- I will cook for you.
-- I will play with you and we will have lots of fun.
-- I will resolve any argument quickly so long as you try to help resolve it as well.
-- I will sing with you.
-- I will pick on you. Just know that it's because I like you. Unfortunately, I'm kindof mean to people that I have intimate feelings for.
-- I will tell you stories from my past and make memories with you for my future.
-- I will hug you all the time. Especially when you aren't feeling too hot.
-- I will notice and appreciate the little things you do.
-- I will be there for you when you need someone to catch your tears and wipe your eyes.
-- I will love you.

Thanks for your interest. <333

Progress In Works

2009-05-07T01:43:00.002-04:00

I posted a poem quite some time ago. I haven't written any full ones since then, but people have told me that they'd like to see more. So, here's my "inspiration in progress", as I call them...

"I'm good with rhymes,
I'm hard to beat.
Open up, baby--
Here come your feet!"

"You've got to bend, baby.
I don't want you to break.
I'm changing for you
We give and we take."

"It's a shame to realize when we die
That everything we've known was a lie."

"All lost souls want to go to the sea.
That is, everyone's soul excluding me."

"You stole my heart swiftly but it won't do you much good.
Didn't take time to search for the key like you should."

"Today's a good day, a good day to die
When the joy in living isn't being alive."

"In the morning, she rolled over
To rest her arm upon his shoulder
But down it fell onto her bed
Opening her eyes, she raised her head."

"'I don't make mistakes,'
Doesn't mean that I'm perfect.
Just that I make every
Experience well worth it."

"You may be in <3,
That's all good and well,
But my heart lies in me.

I shouldn't use the word "lies"
My heart tells the truth
To what's hiding inside."
(For reference, you should have read the "<3" as "less than three", not "love". If you didn't read it again. It'll make more sense!)

So, that's all I've got for now. Those are fairly recent. The last two, I just made up about 10 minutes ago. :)

Hope you like them. I have a collection of all of my "clever" lines. I plan to make them all into songs some day.

I've Got 10 Minutes; Time Enough For A "Critique"

2009-05-06T01:54:00.002-04:00

I'm surprised at myself. I haven't offered my readers much of my opinion on my musical interests. I meant to do this when I started this blog, but much like many other aspects of my life, I am full of intentions that are never anything more.

Today's critique: Mayday Parade.

I could talk about Mayday Parade for quite some time. They simply awe me.

Mayday Parade is my ALL-TIME FAVORITE band. They have one CD, one EP, and a CD in the works. (They're in the studio recording right now, I've never been so excited for an album!) I can safely say that they haven't written ONE SONG that I disliked. (They're the first band I've heard that has accomplished such a feat. I recently found another one. They're not QUITE as good as Mayday Parade, but they're my second favorite all-time band. I'll do them later.) That being said, that doesn't necessarily mean that I LOVE all of them. I have my favorites; almost an LP's worth.

I'm not saying that you have to like this band, but there is no way you can read their lyrics and not relate to them. Mayday Parade's lyrics are some of the most beautiful, clever, touching lyrics I've ever known. (I would post some, but I might as well just post all of their lyrics, I have so many!) A majority of their songs are sad songs, which upsets me to a degree. Part of me wants their new record to be happy, just so I can know that their lives have progressed.

Yes, I said their lives. One of the two most interesting things about Mayday Parade is the fact that all of the band members participate in the writing process. I love that. It gives me the feeling that they're all working together for a same purpose: writing music to free their souls and to let people know that they are not alone in their feelings.

The second most interesting thing about Mayday Parade is the fact that they have three singers. They are a five-member band, with one lead singer and two back up singers (one is the bassist, the other is the drummer.) Once again, it's more like a collaboration instead of an attempt at getting rich.

Speaking of the vocals, they're amazing. One of the singers, the bassist, has a very distinct voice. Many people don't like it; I wasn't too fond of it at first, but I've come to appreciate it. The harmonies and melodies are fantastic. Mayday Parade is a pop-punk band, so you'd expect them to have the same, cheap, stereotypical, cheesy, uninvolved harmonies as the rest of the bands in their genera do. Theirs are more complex, and very beautiful.

I also appreciate the fact that all of their songs don't sound exactly like the one before it. Other than the fact that, as I mentioned before, most of their songs are about heart-wrenching experiences, the MUSIC is different. I think there's maybe two songs that sound similar to each other.

On repetitions and similar sounds, one of my ONLY actual "Critiques" for Mayday Parade is that their lyrics, although beautiful, as I have stated, incorporate too much musical vocabulary. Meaning, they use words like "singing", "notes", "key", etc. Something about mentioning musical words in songs unsettles me. I mean, you're already SINGING, why do you need to add vocabulary to it as well? I can overlook this one teensy little flaw though, because as I said, beautiful lyrics. They word everything so perfectly, I wish I had their talent. (Although, I'm not envious, because it's five of them working on every song as opposed to just one me!)

Another slight critique (once again, as I mentioned above) is the fact that most of their songs are sad. If the song isn't sad, it doesn't really make sense, or it's a cover song. I'd like to hear something happy. :) I'm nervous about that,as well, though. It's really difficult to make a decent "happy" song. So I'm afraid that they might not be able to pull it off.

A worry I have is that they will sell out and become just like all of the other pop-punk bands. I would hate that so much.

Ok, back to positives. Another amazing thing about Mayday Parade is the fact that they're real. They operate their Myspace, they post In-Studio Update videos, they go live on this website and talk to fans.

I will end with my biggest complaint: that they aren't touring. Specifically, that they aren't coming anywhere remotely near me any time soon. I want to meet ALL of them. Oh my god, it would be the best day of my life, no questions asked. I'd probably have a panic attack, and I know I'd be sweating like a little piglet.

"And hearts they don't lie, they just quiver in fear."
^my #1 favorite lyric from Mayday Parade! <3

Get A New Hobby

2009-05-02T23:14:00.002-04:00

If there is one personality trait that I can ABSOLUTELY NOT STAND is the "let's-make-you-look-bad-so-I-can-make-myself-look-better/let's-point-out-your-flaws-so-mine-can-be-left-undiscovered." complex. This trait successfully combines a number of things that drive me over the edge.

First of all, it makes me look bad. Not because I possess this trait, but because I'm usually the target of the person who DOES have it.

Secondly, it starts drama, because I'm not going to tolerate that shit, and I'll call you out without hesitation. I don't care who's around.

Thirdly, it makes you look bad. Not only does it make you look like a snobby bitch, but it makes you look as if you're insecure. Although, not many people will notice, because people are shallow, and don't analyze anything. But the people that see past the surface will realize it.

One of my roommates does this occasionally, and the only reason why I don't say anything to her is because she's the type to hold grudges, and I don't want to piss her off for something that's not necessarily worth the hassle.

My sister does this, too. As much as I love her, there are some aspects of her being that make me want to punch her in the face. (In fact, there are some parts of me that want her to date my ex. I think their personalities are well suited for each other, which is mildly upsetting, because I LOATHE him.) I'm your sister, you shouldn't be trying to make me look bad.

/Vent

Wishing Well

2009-04-30T10:24:00.002-04:00

I've had this problem for quite a few years. It really unsettles me, and I'm not partial to the idea...

Disney has their little "Make A Wish" foundation. That's nice, let's give terminally ill children a bang to go out with. But what about regular, every day people? Yes, I understand the concept of giving these children a special gift.

I just feel like everyone deserves the chance to have their dreams come true. Just because I'm a "normal", healthy young lady, it doesn't mean that I can attain my dreams on my own in a timely fashion.

And I don't just mean for me, I mean for anyone. Like I said, I really feel like EVERYONE deserves to have their dreams come true. Nobody's life is guaranteed. We don't know how long we're going to be here, so why should we be ignored just because it is universally accepted that we will supposedly live an average lifespan?

Thanks for your interest.

(I'm at the hospital right now, btw.)

The Only Constant Is Changing

2009-04-29T22:29:00.002-04:00

Once again, I have decided that it's time for me to change. Over the past few months, I've been thrown some unexpected shit, and I've learned so much.

I'm tired of being shy and having social anxiety. I'm tired of saying that my life is boring and uninteresting. I'm tired of being unable to say that I don't have a good life, and that I'm not happy. I'm tired of being depressed. I'm tired of feeling like I'm useless to society. I'm tired of believing that I am not living a fulfilling life. I'm tired of letting certain thoughts and emotions control me.

So, change is coming. It'll probably be slow, don't expect anything sudden.

And just know, this isn't for you, it's for me. :)

Thanks for your interest. <333

Disappointments Of My Past

2009-04-27T19:59:00.004-04:00

Looking back at my life, I have unfortunately discovered that thus far, I have not had one success story. I'm not saying that my life is a failure, but I have not had any monumental placemarker in my life go the way I wanted or hoped. To a degree, this scares me for my future.

But I look at it a few ways:

1)I can dwell on my unfortunate past and live with regret and sadness forever.
2)I can forget about the disappointments I've collected and instead focus on how I can make my future go right.
3)I can let these mishaps serve as a learning experience and try to use them to my benefit and gain wisdom from them while simultaneously refraining from feeling any sort of remorse.

I think that number three sounds like the best option, as well as the most "mature". Although, it is not necessarily the easiest one to accomplish. I just want to get the most prominent disappointments off my chest.

All I ever wanted when I was in middle school was to be on my high school's yearbook staff. Seriously, it was that big of a deal to me. To be more specific, I wanted to be the editor. To put it simply, didn't happen. Either of them.

Prom. I wanted to go to prom with a group of my closest friends and my boyfriend. And take lots of pictures. It kindof happened, but nothing near how I wanted it to happen.

High school ring. Never got one. I STILL regret it to this day. I was going to get one but my parents talked me out of it, saying that it wasn't worth all of the money. Now that I think about it though, that's not true. I'd still have it on. And because I didn't get a class ring, I missed out on the "ring ceremony" that our school had.

A boyfriend that I could actually call a boyfriend. One that I could go out and do stuff with and not have to worry about what people would think. One that would do cute things for me and play with me.

Fun, exciting Spring Breaks and summers. No, senior year, I got ditched by all of my "friends".

I can't think about any more off the top of my head, and by trying to recall more, I would be dwelling on it. So, I'm done. But in short, high school fucking blew. I'm not letting the rest of my life be a disappointment. Carpe fucking Diem.

Untitled

2009-04-20T17:33:00.003-04:00

I've noticed something about myself. Maybe I don't handle stress well. It's not something that I'm sure of. I just live, I don't consciously think, "Am I stressing over this too much? Should I be doing something else? Do I need to be crying over this?" But I know something that I don't do. I don't run away from my problems. They weigh down on me. I don't try to escape them by drowning myself in debilitating habits. I don't drink or smoke or do hard drugs to get away from my problems. Sometimes, though, I wish I had an escape. Because it sucks so much being stressed out, having so many things weighing down on me, and having no escape.

The irony is, that I have a lot more, and more taxing problems to deal with than the people who find means of escape. You can see it in my eyes. At least, I can. I look weary and troubled.

But what can I do?
Blog. No, it really doesn't help.
Talk. To who? I know I've got people who are here for me, or so I'm told, but I have my reasons for not telling certain people certain things.
Write. I'm not inspired, though.
Write. I'm not motivated either.

And I consider myself better than running away from these things. Funny how life works out.

I never understood how artists could leave a song "Untitled". But I do now.

You don't wear my chains.

Side Note

2009-04-19T23:37:00.003-04:00

I would just like to continue my list of my perfect man.

He won't be ashamed of me. He'll make me feel important and like he is so glad that we are together. We'll go places together and see things and meet new people.

That is all. But it's quite a big deal.

On yet another side note, I've officially come to the conclusion that whatever my next job back home is, I cannot work with girls. I fucking hate girls. Well, mostly. Generally speaking, girls are attention whores. I just can't stand them. They're fake and loud and obnoxious and dumb and bitches. If I do have to work with girls, I hope they're real girls. I don't mind girls who are real. Like my roommates, for instance. It's why we all get along so well.

Ahh, Misah Popuah!

2009-04-19T12:07:00.002-04:00

I have never felt so popular as I have in the past two days. And it's not so much the "popularity" that is a good feeling, but the fact that people are interested me. It's making me soar.

Yesterday at work, my boss said to me, "You know, ever since everyone found out that you were leaving, you've become my most popular employee. Everyone's asking me, 'When's Rani working next?', 'Am I scheduled with Rani?'" So, I told him to schedule me more. :) I don't want to take what he said too close to heart, because I realize that he could just be saying it, and that it's not actually true. Either way, it's a good feeling, and my heart is smiling right now.

Then, while I was at work, I got a text from a "friend" (I put it in quotes because it all depends what you qualify as friends. We're cool with each other, and we've hung out a few times.) He asked me when I was coming home next, and I told him that I'd be home for good on may 12th. He said that we should hang out.

And today, I got a message from another "friend" saying that he heard (from above mentioned friend) that I was coming home and that we should hang out.

I never figured that these people gave a damn about me. I guess I was wrong. :)

We Are

2009-04-16T14:48:00.003-04:00

I find it quite entertaining to stumble across yet another realization. This time, it is the simple fact that, yes, I do have it bad. No, not as bad as some people, I'm not pitying myself. But I definitely don't have it as good as a majority of the population. The fact that I have it bad isn't what makes me laugh incredulously, though. It's the fact that I don't have it bad enough to get help. For instance, I'm broke and I owe people money. But I'm not so broke that people will tell me to forget my debts, or that I can easily make enough money to pay people back. Things like that. (Mind you, that's just one example, I have a plethora of similar problems in my life.)

Being in this situation really sucks. It's worse than having things insanely terrible, because you know that there are things that you have that you should be thankful for. And naturally, it's worse than having no problems. This sticky situation is difficult to get out of. It's kindof like getting tree sap on you, or grease on your clothes. You know what you need to get it off, but you don't have any of it accessible to you. So, you have to improvise, only, your little stunt doesn't quite work. You're left in the same place you were, but with an added sense of failure and hopelessness.

________________________________________________________________________________________

I hate answering questions like, "Who are you?". It's a difficult concept for me to grasp. I know who I am, but who I am is never the same as who I was and because it's constantly changing, I don't know who I am, and I don't want to tell people that I'm someone who I may not necessarily be tomorrow.

My feelings change a lot. My feelings are constant. I have multiple personalities, usually depending on my surroundings, occasionally on my mood.

Ever since my roommates came back from being at Kelsey's for Easter weekend, things have been different. It's my fault, I think. I've hardly talked to them. In my defense, I HAVE been busy. But I busied myself with some things that were not a necessity for me to complete. Call me selfish, but I'm a little upset with them because they left me here alone during Easter. I realize that I wasn't even in my dorm for more than 14 hours the entire weekend, but it's just the ethics of it. It's like, they all went, and got special bonding time, and left me out. Because I had to work. Had I not had to work, I would've gone home, so I don't know why I'm feeling resentment towards them.

Part of me feels bad for being so anti-social because we've only got a few weeks left and I'm afraid that if I don't make the most of it, that I'll regret it when I go back home. The other part doesn't really care, because I know I'll get over them.

Yes, I know that sounds harsh. Yet another one of my inconsistencies, I need people, but I can forget about them so easily. It's not something I'm necessarily proud of. I don't miss people for very long. It doesn't mean that I don't love them, and it's not something I can help, so don't resent me for it. Sometimes, I think it's a good thing, because if I'm ok with being alone, then I won't be bothered by it when I am. (Shut up, I know that sounds dumb, but it's more complex than how you're taking it at face-value.)

______________________________________________________________________________________

Lately, I've been having trouble facing reality. No, that's not what I mean. I've been doing some deep thinking about the reality of things. And by things, I mean situations, time, and objects. Yes, that's a little better. I'm a little hesitant about sharing these thoughts with people, because I'm afraid they won't make sense. I can barely grasp these concepts myself, so how can I expect others to understand them? I'm not going to mention them here, maybe I'll write the in my diary.

______________________________________________________________________________________

Forgive me if I've stated this before, but, I'm insanely surprised at myself. I actually WANT to go back home. I NEVER thought I'd say that. I miss my siblings. I miss Sunday lunch at my Grandmama's. And I dislike it here just as much as I loathed it there.

More to come tonight, thanks for your interest. <33

A Quick, Disheartening Revelation

2009-04-13T11:14:00.001-04:00

If I were to go missing, no one would notice. If they did, they wouldn't think anything of it.

EMOtions

2009-04-12T23:52:00.002-04:00

Jesus, today I have had the absolutely craziest mood swings. It's kindof scaring me. I've been pissed on and off at the same person today. Half of the time, I'm fine with him, the other half of the time, I'm pissed at him. And the times in between, heaven forbid I find some peace, no, I'm just weirded out by him.

But it hasn't just been with him, I've been feeling these moods in general. Something will trigger me, and piss me off. And then I'll be fine, then I'll get really happy for a while. Then pissed again.

I know that mood swings are normal for a hormonal young woman. But, I'm not on my period, nor am I about to start. Like I said, it was just much more violent today than I've ever been, and it unsettles me.

Today, I Met

2009-04-12T22:00:00.000-04:00

(I copied this from a facebook note that I posted earlier. I was feeling euphoric.)

A little girl, who shares the same name as my future daughter.
An old man, who crossed off an aspiration on his list of things to do before he dies. the same one is on my list.
A baby, who would stare at me until I looked at her, and then smile.
A man in the military, who had so much life in his eyes, I couldn't stop staring.
Three siblings, who were so eager to spend their own money, they weren't the least bit shy.
Two men, who suggested a good movie, whose name I can't remember, but it's Juila Robert's first movie.

I love my job. I really don't want to leave it...

Boys And Being Alone

2009-04-12T00:47:00.003-04:00

All of the guys I've ever had some sort of special, intimate relationship with are pretty much the same boy. I keep finding him, over and over and over again. But, they each have a defining quality. Sometimes, this characteristic has negative, unexpected, unwanted results. Sometimes, I wish things would've worked out.

I'm thinking that if I keep on with this pattern of guy-finding, that hopefully, maybe I'll find the right guy for me, you know? There's some other things I'm looking for that I didn't mention and/or didn't put enough emphasis on in my previous blog. I've been thinking about it (again) lately.

On a semi-related note, I feel like I'm a "best-kept secret". Ok, maybe not best kept, especially in some circumstances, but a secret if nothing else. It's like, they only want to hang out with me, or talk to me, or text me, at night, when no one else is there to see me hanging out with them. Partly because I have a feeling that they know I'm the only one of their friends who is awake at such an awkward time. Or because they're bored. Like I'm their last option for entertainment. And I hate that feeling. "What is so wrong with me?" "Am I seriously THAT lame?" "Wtf am I lacking?"I don't understand. It's dumb. I see what you're doing there. And just so you know, if you want to get in MY pants, you're doing it wrong. Terribly wrong.

I realized that this Easter, today, is the first holiday I've ever been away from my family. And, I don't mean to sound harsh, or hateful, or unloving, or uncaring, but I honestly don't feel too incredibly lonely. I mean, I do, but it can't settle in or weigh me down because I've been keeping myself occupied. Some of it was intentional, others not so much. But I'm alone, and I'm fine for now. :)

Honestly, what I'm REALLY upset about is that I can't go on an Easter Egg Hunt. I know it sounds incredibly lame, but I REALLY like looking for Easter eggs. I don't like playing with people my age, except for Autumn, because I suck, plain and simple. I'm too slow and unathletic to win against anyone. It's just fun finding them. I constantly flash back to my childhood, I can tell you and show you some of the exact places where I've found specific Easter eggs. Whenever I think about running around in my little dress, with my basket so full that some of them fall out, I just feel like a little girl again. So childish, and excited to find these bright little eggs that can hardly be constituted as being "hidden." There doesn't even have to be prizes in them. I think it's my favorite holiday festivity. Apart from drinking Christmas sherbet punch, trading valentine's cards in elementary school (although I was always terrified that I would be the only person who didn't get any from any of my classmates! :/ ), and dressing up for Halloween.

(I've got so much stuff on my mind, I want to write, but I don't feel like it. And I can't remember half of what I want to say, or how to word any of it!GAY!)

Video Bloggggg!

2009-04-07T01:50:00.000-04:00

If you're interested. ;)

Fun Facts For You. :)

2009-04-06T18:03:00.003-04:00

If you’ve ever read a survey that someone posted on their Myspace, and you happened to read a question that asks, “Do you judge people?” and they answer, “No, I hate people like that!” they’re lying to you. They’re lying to themselves. I was thinking about it last night.

As much as I’d like to say I don’t judge people, it’s wrong, I do. Luckily, I’m usually right. I can’t ever remember a time when I’ve incorrectly judged a person just by looking at them. It’s a gift that I am thankful I possess.

EVERYONE judges everything, it’s human nature. No, it’s not even that. Animals do it, too. Just by making an observation, our brains automatically form an opinion about it. And an opinion, my friend, is a judgment.

What I don’t do, though, is classify people. I stopped putting people in cliques when I realized how stupid it is. That’s middleschool shit.

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When I was in my car today, I was thinking about something… I don’t know who reads my blogs unless my readers tell me. I haven’t had any problems yet, but I just want to address a potential discrepancy. You may read something here and think that I’m talking about you. You may read something that pisses you off, or maybe you’ve read something that you don’t agree with. I’m not apologizing for anything I write, don’t think that. I just want to say that if you have a problem with anything I write, don’t read it and get off of my page. I do these to get things off of my mind. I do them as a release. They weren’t really meant for anyone to read, but apparently people find me interesting.

So, that is all on that note.

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I hate it when people put words in my mouth, or when they try to make things out of me that I’m not. For instance, today, Hope told me to stop yelling. We were mean talking to each other. I’ve got no problem with that, we do it all the time. But she told me to stop yelling. And I was CLEARLY not yelling. My voice wasn’t even raised. So, I simply looked at her and said, “I’m not yelling.” I think she could tell that I didn’t appreciate it, because she made a comment. “Do you want me to yell? Because I can. I mean, I just feel the need to prove to you that this level of my speaking isn’t a yell.” I didn’t end up yelling, but I wanted to.

And this one time, Chris put words in my mouth. I said that I had fun at his friend’s house. He got all pissy and said, “Oh, so you have more fun hanging out with my friends than you do with me? Great.” Uh-huh. No, hun. We don’t play games like that. And I put him in his place.

I’m not afraid to tell you when you’re wrong. ESPECIALLY if it’s dealing with me.
Going back to judging people, I hate it when people have incorrect opinions about me. Go ahead, hate me all you want, but don’t you dare hate me because you “heard” something about me, or because I “said” something about you. You come to me, and I’ll tell you the truth.

I have no reason to lie to people, if you’re curious enough to come to me and take time out of your life to ask me a question, I’ll answer you honestly.

That being said, if it’s something that I feel will ruin our friendship, I probably won’t tell the truth, if I value the friendship. Or if I think it’ll unnecessarily hurt your feelings. (I.e., “Do you think I can sing good?” No. Shit, that’s not even singing. “I don’t know…”) I try not to hurt people, unless I hate you. And even then, I don’t go out of my way to do it.

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Oh, I don’t know. I’m such an inconsistency. But at least I know it. ☺

Thanks for your interest. <333

Sleepers

2009-04-02T01:10:00.002-04:00

Obviously, I'm not one for sleeping.
I've mentioned before how I have trouble falling asleep, so I don't feel like getting into any of that.

But this is just a note to those of you who CAN sleep. You're lucky. Or those of you who can fully function on little amounts of sleep. You take it for granted. And you need to stop.

I'm sure it's never dawned on you that SOME people, those of us who can't sleep, treasure a good night's sleep. And when you interrupt that, you are committing a horrendous crime. Seriously, if there was one way to get on my bad side, is to wake me up when I'm trying to sleep, or when I'm sleeping well.

BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW PRECIOUS A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP IS, I have a soft spot for people who are asleep. I try and stay quiet, and I try and keep others quiet if someone's trying to sleep. So, I'm not being selfish, I'm being considerate.

And I'm passing that consideration on to you.

So next time you think it's funny to play late-night pranks on people, think about it again.

On Being Personable And Living Through Your Dreams

2009-04-01T22:28:00.004-04:00

During Spring Break, when I had to vacate the premises of my school and come back home, Momma told me that they had a scheduled tour of the hospital where Lily is to be born. Luckily, Kelsey came down to visit me that day, because I otherwise would have broken down.

And I can't do that. I can't show my weakness in front of strangers, even if it's justified.

We get there, and we're waiting for the tour to start. Small talk. God, I hate small talk more than anything. I'd rather there be silence. And especially in such a cold place, like a hospital, that smells so clean and sterile, you feel unfit to step through the revolving doors and tracking in all of your germs. Small talk does not belong there, and neither do I.

I've got to give (most of) these people props, though. Especially since I wasn't exactly polite with them. I know it was wrong, but it was defense. I was in a strange place, a place that most certainly is going to hold vivid memories, possibly tragic memories.

And here these people are, telling me that I need to go to a baseball game. What? No.

So, the tour begins, and the woman giving this tour is so excited about her job. It's so obvious. She's gushing over everything, even when she's explaining situations that do not need to be gushed over.

When we get to the part of the tour where she's showing us the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, she's still gushing. I know it's NOT the way she meant it, but I couldn't help feeling like she was excited about these babies being in the NIC. I know it's not true, like I said. I know she's really just excited that these new tiny little beings are alive.

But how? She must know something I don't know. How should I be excited about seeing my little baby sister for a few minutes...hours...days...months? The only thing that's certain is the fairly high chance that she WILL die before I do. And that she will still be a child when it happens. And that I'll have to tell her goodbye when she can't hear me and she's in the ground. Try visualizing that for me if you can. If you do it right, you should be crying with me.

It's literally a nightmare come true. Only, the nightmare was actually better than this situation. Not because it was only a dream, though.

I remember this dream so vividly, even though I was about 8 when I had it. I was an elf princess, and I was in a beautiful forest, on the back of an ornately carved wagon being drawn by horses alone. No one was leading the wagon. It was about 4 or 5 o'clock in the afternoon, right before dusk, so you could see the sun's yellow rays breaking through the lush green leaves and hitting the moss on the ground. Everything was so peaceful. The wagon was going down a trail through this forest, but somehow the trail wasn't worn down. Grass was still growing, even where the wheels would fall. As the wagon is taking me to an unknown destination, my legs and dress dangling off of its edge, I look on the ground and notice a rectangular slab of stone that we had rolled over. I realized that it was my sister's tombstone. I jump off of the wagon, throw my body onto the tombstone, almost as if I was trying to hug her, and begin weeping incessantly.

I woke up crying. It's one of the worst dreams I've ever had.

At least then, I felt some peace...

Autumn, I know you don't read my blogs, but if you happen to, just know that I love you. I don't think I ever told you that dream, because I didn't want to scare you when we were younger. I feel like I don't tell you enough, that I love you. Even though I know that you know that I do, I'm still not satisfied. I don't know why you get so offended when we say the same things at the same time. I guess it gets annoying because it happens so often, but I like it. It makes me feel like we're superconnected. I love you, Toddles. And I miss you. (Who would've thought that everyone was right?)

Sweet Resignation

2009-04-01T05:28:00.002-04:00

Do you know how long I've been trying to come up with that phrase? For a few days. I couldn't think of the right word, and then I accidentally said it when I was on the phone with my mom.

I was going to do a poem, and have that in it. But right now, it's really all I need. Sweet, sweet resignation. Besides, I'm lacking the inspiration right now.

I wish things would just fall into place. That things would get easier, so I could feel like I'm happily floating instead of pushing against the current. Because if I go with the flow, it'll take me off of a waterfall. And I might not survive such a crash.

Just saying.

Thanks for your interest, I haven't thanked you guys in a while. :)

PROGRESSION?

2009-03-30T22:33:00.005-04:00

I've been seeing my counselor once a week since the beginning of the second semester and I can honestly say that she has been no help. Maybe I misinterpreted the purpose of going to see her weekly, but I am genuinely disappointed. I don't understand how she has yet to discover whether or not anything is wrong with me or whether or not I'm "normal". Nothing.

It's ridiculous. But on the bright side, I feel like I'm making some realizations on my own. For instance: I realized that I THINK too much. Whether or not what I say makes sense out loud, it does in my head. I can never be surprised, because generally, I've already thought about the situation in which someone attempted to surprise me. I daydream all of the time. I analyze everything that people tell me; I can never take anything at face value. I don't believe that people do things "just because", and I constantly want to know the real reason why they do whatever they do. Even if they were just thinking about something and their train of thought lead them to that answer. I even think about WHY I do certain things, or WHY I think certain thoughts, what lead me to think those thoughts, etc. I CAN'T STOP THINKING. I think that this is part of my sleeping problem. Even if I'm EXHAUSTED, I sometimes just can't sleep. No matter how bad I want to.

(Or, for instance, when I'm angry. I want to throw things, or break things, or hit things. But I never do. Because I think it through and know that when I get done wreaking havoc, that I will regret it. Yeah, I know you're probably thinking, "Wtf's wrong with you? That's a GOOD thing." Maybe it is, but I see it from a different point of view. I'm not doing what I REALLY want to do because I THINK about the consequences.

I've never fainted. I think it has to do with the thinking too much thing. It's like, I'll FEEL faint, but I WON'T let myself pass out. Or I'll feel nauseous, but I won't let myself puke. [I hate puking. I guess it's a mind over matter thing.] Kindof off subject, but still pertaining to the subject; I think I have too much control over myself. And I think I miss out on a lot of things because of it. Maybe it's bad things that I'm missing out on, but still. Once again, I can't explain it. It makes since in my head though.)

On account of my realization of excessive thinking, I've come to notice that I tend to call people out on my inconsistencies. I can't really explain this one, because I can't think of anything specific right now.(I don't do it often, but I do it enough for me to notice that it's being done.) I also notice little things in people, though that keep me from deeply connecting with anyone, I think. I mean, yes, some things, I can overlook, but there are some things that simply piss me the fuck off.

I've also noticed that I go through extreme phases. For instance, with my ex (not the douchebag ex, the ex that is still my friend) I hated him for a while; I wanted nothing to do with him. Just thinking about him got me angry and I took back all of the things that I told him that, although I meant them at the time when I said "forever", I no longer believed. I've done this with quite a few people, I'll be content at times to never talk to them again. Or I'll be at the total opposite extreme, I'll start conversation with them for no reason. These phases are mostly with people, or with things that I've said. I don't really have extremes with concrete ideas or objects. People always change, they're abstract. BUT when I get pissed off with these people, it's not because they've changed, they've stayed the same. I don't even know, I'm not making any sense.

I contradict myself a lot. I'm full of inconsistencies. What's worse: I realize it. No one else has ever really said anything to me, but I notice it. There are holes in my personality and there are gaps in the things I say. I think it leads back to me being able to see both sides to situations. Sometimes I actually pick a side, but later on I'll pick the other side. I don't even know anymore.

I'm unsure about myself, and I'm unsure if I'll be able to clearly express what I'm thinking. Some of my most used sentences are, "I don't know if that makes sense." or "This probably won't make any sense, but." or "Did you understand that?" or "Do you get what I'm saying?" A lot of stuff makes sense to me until I try to say it out loud. It's almost as if I can visualize it better than I can say it. Even if I'm visualizing it as actual words, like what you're reading right now. I can read them, but when I say them, it's just a major fail.

My memory is bad, too. But I've known that for a long time. Even things I want to remember, I'll forget. Like important test dates, or homework due dates, or things that I want to tell my counselor/people in general.

Holy fuck, Lily's due date is coming up. I'm so scared...
And two weeks after that, school's out.
I don't know what I'm going to do.

Give Me Wings, Give Me Peace, Give Me Strength

2009-03-26T00:42:00.003-04:00

I took and adapted the title of this blog just a tiny bit.
(It's from a beautiful song called "Salt in the Snow" by The Classic Crime.)

I feel so incredibly weak right now, it's ridiculous.
I want to call out to someone for help, but there's no one who's fit for the job.
I need someone to hold me and let me cry.
Cry until I can't, until I fall asleep.
And not worry about me.
And not tell me to stop.
I don't want them to lie to me and tell me that I'll be fine,
or that everything will be ok.
It's not "just one of those days" when every day I'm faced with the same battles.
Literally no one understands what I'm going through.
Yes, my family gets some of it,
my friends get some of the other stuff.
But I have no one who can piece it all together, and I desperately need someone who can solve puzzles.

I wrote somewhere that I fall in love with strangers on a daily basis and get my heart broken just as often. And as pathetic and awful as it sounds, it's true. I mean, it's not passionate love or anything, but I tend to see these people as these wonderful beings at first, and I'm instantly smitten. I get over it, but sometimes it takes a few weeks or so. People just get me. I get scooped up in my romantic daydreams.

The same thing happened with this new friend of mine. I got a huge crush on him because I felt like he understood me. I was amazed that someone GOT me. Then I realized that he's just good at reading people like I am. And if not that, he's a good hypothesizer. And I felt stupid.

It's not that I need a boyfriend, or that I even want one. I just want someone to hold me, really. Someone to make me feel like I'm understood, someone to listen, and to console. I just got so damn excited that he was it.

The only boyfriend I'm interested in having is my future husband, if we're being harshly honest. I just hope he's everything I've been dreaming of since I was 6...

(p.s.--christa, send me an email! somehow, all of my emails from you got deleted, unbeknown to me. i've been waiting for a reply from you, only to realize that maybe it was my turn! i don't have your email address saved...)

Update!Update!

2009-03-23T20:35:00.005-04:00

Here I sit, at the library, on a whim led by advice from my mother and a personal realization. I haven't written anything in quite some time. It's been more than ten days. I just haven't had anything consistently on my mind, or anything that I really want to share with anyone. The things that I have wanted to write about, I didn't, because my blog is "censored." There are certain subjects that I want to talk about, but won't because of who reads my blogs.

Spring Break just ended, and I'm back at school, dreading all that I've got to do. I made a to-do list today. It's insanely long. I'm a list person, I love making lists. But it's not that I do it just because I like to. I do it out of necessity as well. I have horrible memory, and lists make it easy to remember. As long as I don't lose the list. :) Surprisingly, though, I've made a lot of progress. I've crossed off quite a few things. I've still got a lot to go though.

I decided that boys are stupid. I mean, people in general are stupid. I dislike girls just as much as boys, but I'm not attracted to girls, so they're not of much interest to me. Therefore, I specify: boys are stupid. I don't have much detail to go into on this one, due to censorship.

On the way back home, I put my iPod on shuffle. I haven't even listened to half of the music that I own. And I stumbled across an AMAZING band. The Classic Crime. Listen to them. Oh, they're wonderful. I recommend "5805" and "Salt In The Snow".

I think I haven't had anything to write about because I've been in kindof some sort of perpetual confusion. I've been thinking about so much stuff lately, but I haven't been thinking about anything lately. I'm lost right now. I know what I WANT to do with my life, but I don't know WHAT I'm going to do with it. I know I've got a lot of potential though, I just wish that I could show everyone else.

I was talking with my sister the other day and I realized that I need to be multi-talented. I expect my dream guy to be a lot of things, but lately I've been focusing on what I should be for him. I want some guy to be in awe of me. I want to be on his mind all the time. I want him to be crazy for me. So, what do I have to do to be that girl? That's what I'm working on. :)

But until then, here are two separate lists I made for my "perfect" guy. I made the first one a few months ago, the second was made in my Junior year. Combine them, and you have my Mr. Right. Think you've got what it takes? ;)

I lost someone, maybe you could help me find him.
he's the guy of my dreams.
i don't know what he looks like, unfortunately. but he's pretty good looking. he's got protruding arm veins and he's taller than me. he's got a great smile and eyes that could kill. he gives great hugs and always knows that anytime is a great time for one. he's not afraid to tell me the truth, even if it'll hurt me. his sense of humor is nothing less of amazing and he can always make me laugh. he's got at least a few quirks that not many people possess, and they definitely make him more attractive. he loves to laugh and isn't afraid to have a good time. somehow, he can always tell when something's wrong with me and knows just how to handle the situation properly. he goes to shows with me because we have the same taste in music. he buys me stuff, too. but he doesn't spoil me, and he won't give me everything i want. he'll look at the stars with me, and help me find all the constellations. he encourages me to fight for my dreams and never lose sight of them. he believes in me no matter how absurd the situation, but won't let my daydreams replace reality. he laughs at my shortcomings and gives me lots of kisses. he's not afraid to be himself and he can say no to his friends. oh, and he's a nerd. :) he just doesn't look like one. he understands me most of the time and when he doesn't, he still tries to. he's willing to compromise and loves to cuddle. he will never take advantage of my trust or my ability to forgive. he knows that a pinkie promise must never be broken. which is cool with him, because he keeps his word, even when he doesn't make a promise. he never uses the phrase "i wish i could but..." in my presence. he and i cause mischief together. :) and he helps me cross off more things to do on my list of things to do before i die. he likes showing me off and he has no problem with PDA. and he likes hickeys. he'll draw me cute pictures and write me notes just because he can. he will make me feel like i'm worth something and that i'm important and loved by him. he helps me study and teaches me about new things. the only thing he'll LET me win at is play fighting. we'll play video games sometimes. he's talented, too. multitalented. we sing in my car. he asks me to do things for him and make him things to which i gladly oblige. he knows the little things i do are to show him that i care. he sends me sweet texts. and he's fun, so much fun. there's never a dull moment when we hang out. he's straightforward and says what he wants, but he beats around the bush too. he and i enjoy taking pictures together. he takes an active interest in my life and myspace. :) i could talk to him for the rest of my life and never run out of anything to say. he takes me out on dates, at least once a month. and it's always some place new. he knows my pet peeves and respects them. he tries to make me a better person. this guy's definitely not perfect, but he's perfect for me. <3 he'll make up new pet names for me, but he's got one that always sticks. he's artistic. he likes kids and animals. he and i don't necessarily have to be the same, but we bring out the best in each other. he makes me dance with him, even though i'm terrible. he's a challenge, but he doesn't over do it. and he's so interesting. he always surprises me. he's my best friend. and we'll fall in love.

i know it's weird, but i want a guy who'll tell me to stay awake, even though i don't get much sleep, just so i can talk to him.you know,the type of guy who'll do stupid stuff with me. someone who's kindof a nerd. but in a cute way :].someone who forces me to say completely untrue things about myself [i.e. gorgeous, beautiful, all things good looking] even though it's not going to change my mind. well, maybe one day... if i say it enough times. someone who smells like a man. someone who makes me smile, just when i think of him. someone who tells me the truth. someone who's got jokes. someone who thinks dating's not all about sex. someone who i can play video games with [because i actually like videogames, i just don't have a console]. someone who will eat monterrey's cheese deep with me anytime i please. someone who can ALWAYS make me smile and laugh. someone who will always be there for me, even when i'm being a sater-face. someone who isn't perfect. someone who's perfect for me. someone who likes me for more than just my looks. someone who actually reads my myspace. someone who compliments me and likes it. someone who says the wrong things at the right time. someone who tells the truth, especially when i asked for an opinion. someone who will encourage me. someone who will tickle me and wrestle with me and let me win. but won't let me win at anything else unless they really suck that bad. someone who gives good hugs. someone who's hands are bigger than mine. someone that's romantic. someone that's tangible. someone that will laugh at me when i do something stupid then kiss me and tell me it's cute. someone who will love me for me and will never ask for anything more than that.<3

And This Will Be My Undoing

2009-03-10T03:02:00.002-04:00

It's not my intention,
You're held in suspension
From the faults of you, the faults of me.
I'm sorry we never were meant to be.
Something that just wasn't there
Tried so desperately to prove I care.
But things don't go the way we planned
And it's not right holding your hand.
I can't pretend, baby I can't lie.
You're not going to make my heart fly.
The levels we're on are so severe
You have to shout because I can't hear.
I tried to fix us, we're falling through
Not everything can be mended with glue.
My only fear is you'll play me out
To be the girls you told me about.
I'm not like them, you know it's true.
Pinkie swear, I didn't want to hurt you.
So please forgive me for wasting time
When all you got was my stupid rhyme.

Dear Lily,

2009-03-05T23:29:00.002-05:00

I wrote your "big" brother a note when I knew Momma was pregnant with him, but I haven't written you one yet. I'm sorry, I apologize. You've already got a little plethora of letters though from your Daddy. (Mine are better though! ;])

The note I wrote your brother isn't the same as this one to you. You see, little girl, you and I are put in a little bit of a situation. The letter I wrote Baby was written with the intentions of him reading when he was a teenager, to help him cope with life. But you...well, you understand...

Around the time I wrote that note to your brother, I didn't want him around. I didn't want another member of the family. And I didn't want another sibling. I didn't think I was going to love him, but I was wrong, missy. I do love him. I call him my brother (fuck half-brother). I do want him. It's kindof the opposite with you. I already love you. You're my baby sister (fuck half-sister). I just want you to get here so I can see you. Although, I'm apprehensive, because I don't know how long your "being here" will last. I told Momma when we first found out about your menace that if you were mine, I would abort you. I'm sure that hurts to hear, but I wanted to be the one to tell you. You shouldn't find out from other people. Just know that doesn't mean that I don't love you, and that I wouldn'tve loved you. But I couldn't deal with that, Lily. I'm not a strong person, you'll soon see I'm sure.

I love reading the notes that your Daddy writes you. They make my heart swell. I know you must be able to tell how much he cares for you and how every word he says is more sincere than Martin Luther King Jr.'s "I Have A Dream" speech and more heartfelt too. It's nice to see a man that is willing to be broken down by someone so tiny and frail as yourself.

You have changed our whole family, little one. It's amazing, to say the least. Each one of us, you have managed to reach. Without saying one word, without touching us, without looking at us. What a powerful little girl you are. And you're not using your power for evil. You opened up our eyes, you broke us down, and you built us back with stronger skin, smarter minds and larger hearts.

I'm softer now than I was, thanks to you. I'm tougher at the same time, too. What a paradox. I'm more aware of the use of the word "retard". Even if it is the truth, I realize that it's pretty harsh. And trust me, if I ever hear anyone call you names, or make fun of you, they're getting their ass kicked. I wouldn't even hesitate. I read that babies like you often have strawberry-shaped heads. I'm tempted to call you my little strawberry, although I'm kindof afraid that people will get mad at me. You know I don't mean it meanly, though.

I read Momma's and your Daddy's blogs, talking about how strong you are. It fills me with hope when I read their words. But I'm afraid to. Lily, I refuse to think that you're going to make it, I'm sorry babe. I hope you understand. I want you to make it, more than anything. But I can't let myself think that just because they say that you're strong that you will. Because if you die when I think you're going to make it, my heart can only take so much. And a big part of me would die right with you.

But if/when you're ready to go, please give me a warning, Lily. Please. I'm so afraid of you dying alone. My biggest fear for myself is dying alone. I don't want anyone that I love to die alone, especially you. I want to be there for you. I want you to feel safe, and loved, and unafraid. Please don't be scared, Lily. Even if I can't be there. And please please please don't be mad at me if I can't be there in time. Don't think that it means that I don't love you, or that I wasn't there for you. I'm so far away...
But will you do another favor for me? Please live long enough me to see you, at least for a little while.

I wanted to talk to you about something, a problem I have with the world. Everyone here thinks that they deserve things. I hate it. So much. People don't deserve shit. It is very rare that someone deserves something. There's not much in this world that I feel like I deserve. I hate it when Momma tells me that she thinks that I feel like I am entitled to something, because it is so untrue. I just want to be like "conversation TERMINATED." But you, you my darling, deserve to live. You DESERVE a chance at life. You are entitled to it, and I hope you feel like you are. Fight for it, hun. It's yours if you want it.

You're Daddy's right, you know. You've got a whole support group here waiting for you. We've got your back. Especially me. I'm right here. And I'm not moving for anything.

I love you, Lily. And I'm here for you, for as long as you need me, for as long as you're here, however long or short that may be...

Being Grown Up Isn't Half As Fun As Growing Up

2009-02-26T19:41:00.004-05:00

These AREN'T the best days of my life. And if it is, I must say that I'd like to pass.

At least, this week it isn't.

I'm not grown up; I don't consider myself an adult. I don't even consider myself a woman. I categorize myself as a young lady.

For those of you who don't know, which is most of you, growing up in these times is NOT an easy task. On top of the whole economy taking a golden elevator down to hell, which we all are enduring, I have SO MANY things to deal right now. It's ridiculous. I can't help but feel jealous of the people around me, because they've probably never had to deal with half of what I go through. I know life's not fair, but seriously? Come on.

I have to make all A's this semester, or I'll have to go to school back home. I don't think I can do it.
Speaking of school, I am in the wrong place. I want to go to an art school, but they're so goddamn expensive. Biology is the wrong major for me, I tried to tell my Adviser that, but she didn't want me to change and told me to just stick to core classes.
I have trouble falling asleep, so I often stay up late, doing nothing. I'd much rather be awake than unsuccessfully trying to fall asleep. It's a terrible feeling.
Speaking of terrible feelings, knowing that your little sister is going to die and that there's nothing you can do about it sucks some major dick. I've mentioned my feelings about Lily in some of my previous blogs. It's been bothering me all week.
Apparently, it's impossible for me to make and save money.
I want to live in my own little apartment next year. I want my own place so I can sing and write music without worrying if anyone can hear me.
But, once again, money is a problem. Not just MY lack of money, but my family's as well.
I'm also worried that I'll never be happy, and that I'll always be in some kind of hole.

But I don't like pity parties, I just needed to get that off of my tiny chest. I don't want pity, I want understanding.

It's Another One Of THOSE Nights

2009-02-24T00:56:00.002-05:00

It's happening again, insomnia. No good...

All of my blogs up to this point have pretty much been whatever's been on my mind, it's not really a diary or a recount of my day. I'll tell you about my day today.

Today was a bad day. Not because anything went wrong. It just sucked. I was in a "foul" mood. Not a bad mood. I was just "blah." My alarm clock went off at 8 this morning. I did NOT want to get up and go to trig at 11:30, hours away. So, I decided that I would make a deal with myself. I would go back to sleep, and if I woke up before 10:45, I would get ready and go to class. I woke up at 10:42. So, I got ready. Decided I wanted to look cute today, so I put on my black and grey cardigan, some skinny jeans, heels, big gawdy earrings, and pulled my hair half up (I haven't done that hairstyle in a while!). My heels didn't really match too well, honestly, but honestly, I don't care. I wear what I want. :) So, I had to take a package to the post office, my hands were burning because it was cold outside and my feet were hurting because I sweat uncontrollably and it was causing my feet to slide in my heels, which gives me blisters. I got to trig about 2 minutes late, sat down, took my shoes off, pulled out my notebook. God, I hate math. If I ever need to know Sine, Cosine, or Tangent for my future job, someone would have stolen my soul and given my body to someone else. Just know that.
After trig was over, I went back up to the room and changed my heels and got everything I needed for work and my 5:30 class (history) as well as a pair of shorts. I was planning on going to Karate at my Master's school because I've missed a few classes, and he said we could go and make them up.
I stopped by McDonalds to get some num-yummys because I REFUSE to eat at the Commons. The Commons is Coastal's cafeteria for on-campus residents. I quickly learned that this place is NOT FOR ME. The food is terrible quality. Not only does it not taste good, but it goes though me faster than an auctioneer can speak one sentence. That would be a hassle, but I could deal with it, except for the fact that (WARNING: this is going to be TMI!) the upsets it gives my tummy are not in solid form. It's LIQUIDEY! EWW! And I don't mean pee.
On top of that, it makes you smell like a grease pit. I REFUSE to go ANYWHERE after I eat at the Commons unless I take a shower first. And I don't have time to take showers unless it's night or morning.

Anyways, digression, so I was eating my McDonalds while I was on my way to work. And I thought of something. My ex used to tell me about how some of his friends had "deadeyes". That was me today. No life behind me.

Shortly after I realized this, I look on the road and see something so br00tally disgusting. It was a dead cat. Someone drove over its head. It was flatter than a head should be, split open. Its brain had popped out like an inflamed zit, spewed in a straight line away from the carcass.

Got to work, got my check. I didn't get paid last week. I was expecting about $80. No, I got $50.

I texted Chris when he got done playing golf and asked him if he wanted to meet me at Jade Express before I had to go to class. On the way there, there was so much traffic that it was impossible to go the speed limit. Pissed me off.

I got there, and it was clear to him that I wasn't myself. I felt bad that I was being so boring and quiet, but it's nothing that I could help.

The rest of my day is even more uneventful, so I'll spare the details.

I've been getting really pissed off lately because I've come to the realization that I CANNOT SAVE MONEY FOR THE LIFE OF ME. Not because it's something that's a fault of mine. Every time I get money saved up, I have another expense that I have to shell out for:
-->I owe the government $250 for taxes because my former job didn't take them out.
-->My car needs a new battery still. Only, I can't buy my battery from AutoZone or somewhere like that because apparently it's a special battery that I have to get from a Hyundai dealership. I don't know how much that's going to cost. A regular battery is from $60-$90 dollars. I'm sure that this "special" battery is going to be between $100-$160.
-->My rotors still need to be fixed, which is about $300.
-->I owe my grandmother $100 for lending me money for Christmas presents.
-->I owe my mom money for car insurance/ other car stuff. About $200.

And, there are the expenses that I WANT to spend my money on:
-->I REALLY want to get a tattoo, don't know how much that will cost, but it shouldn't be more than $400.
-->I busted my speakers in my car, so I want a new set. But I want a GOOD set. And a subwoofer. :) I want to FEEL my basssss.
-->I want some kind of video camera, like a little one. My camera is insufficient.
-->Of course, I still want a DSLR camera.
-->And I want a keyboard. Or a piano. Preferably a keyboard, so I can hook it up to Macenzie and record stuff.

And, there are the expenses that I'm going to have to start planning for that I won't have to deal with JUST yet, but that are quickly approaching:
-->After this semester's over, I can't live on campus. All of my roommates already know who they're going to live with, so I'm left with no one. I don't want a stranger for a roommate and I probably can't afford to live alone.

I'm worried about the future. I don't think I'm going to be able to make all A's... It's 1:40, and I still need to shower, I've written enough anyways.

Invisible Readers

2009-02-22T23:18:00.004-05:00

Yesterday, a girl named Christa left me a comment on my most recent blog introducing herself to me. It was a pleasant surprise finding out that a complete stranger was reading what I had to say and was actually interested. I don't know how many people read my blog or how many hits I get, so I really was excited to get a comment from her. It made my day, thank you Christa. :)

So, it got me wondering how many (if any!) other people read my blogs, and who they are...

If you find that you happen to have some free time, I would absolutely LOVE for you to introduce yourself. I may not know you, but I am honestly interested in what you have to say. Perhaps it's apparent that I enjoy talking, but I like to listen as well. As long as you're not an asshole, I could ask you questions all day. I want your life story. I want you to know that you're not alone. So please send me an e-mail or a comment! You won't bother me, I'll reply back; you have nothing to be shy about!

(While you're doing THATTT, you can listen to THIS...)

Thanks for your interest, it keeps me going. :)

Early Blog In Hopes To Avoid Late-Night Awake

2009-02-18T22:12:00.002-05:00

It's 10:13 on Wednesday night.
Most of my blogs have a set topic, but not this one. There's a few things I want to talk about.

The first thing I did this morning when I woke up was break my favorite necklace. What a crappy way to start a gloomy day. Obviously, I am NOT meant to have this necklace.

My dad bought it for me sometime in elementary school. It's a St. Christopher Protect Us necklace. When I was younger, when I first got it, I used to think that it would really keep me safe from danger. And I never got hurt when I wore it.
I constantly lose this necklace. I take it off and forget where I put it, and I can never find it when I look for it. In middle school, when I thought I had permanently lost it, I went and bought another one just like it. Afterward, I found mine, so I gave the one I bought to a friend when she was scared. Later on in middle school, SnoCap had a dance. I was putting on my jewelry in the car, and my sister wanted to see my necklace. So I let her hold it. When she got done looking at it, her dumbass put it in the seat and it fell into the space where the seatbelt buckle is. There it stayed for years because no one would help me get it out. Finally, sometime in early high school, I got my Step-dad to help me look for it. The necklace was nowhere to be found,but the charm was stuck to something. I got it, cleaned it, and put it on another chain. I still continued to lose it, because I didn't want to keep it on when I was in the shower for some reason. Finally, I lost it and found it again and decided that that was enough. I was not losing it anymore. I haven't taken it off for about a year. Until today. Somehow when I woke up, my arm went through the necklace as I was raising myself up. It snapped.

I surprised myself when I didn't cry. I haven't been crying lately, it feels like a long time since I've cried good and hard. I feel like I'm growing cold. I get this feeling a lot. I don't like it. Granted, I don't want to be a crybaby. But this necklace really means a lot to me. I don't get attached to many material objects, but jewelry always gets me. My charm bracelet, my St. Christopher Necklace, my Heidi Necklace, my ring, my camera, my Macenzie (my laptop), my Gloria (my iPod). They mean so much to me. Jewelry just says, "I love you. This is proof. I want you to wear it so everyone can see how much I love you." It doesn't have to be expensive or anything. Just thinking that someone I love looked for a piece of jewelry for me to wear that I would like, I love it.

I think part of why I haven't been crying is because the things I would normally cry over are pretty diminished when I think about Lily. If I cry about anything, it should at least be something that is DEFINITELY irreparable, like her...

You know what, I hate it when all of my new "paragraphs" start out with the same letter. It really pisses me off. Every sentence of mine seems to start with "I" or "It". I realized today that I write. A lot. I have this blog. I write in my diary. I write in a "poetry" journal. I write Chris notes. And I have a little Word document that has parts of songs that I'm writing. Plus, I have little worksheets that my counselor gives me to fill out.

Chris and I are good for each other, I think. Or at least, he's good for me. He makes me go to class and he tries to motivate me to try. I'm glad my family likes him. Also, I want to clarify that I know that he met my family awfully soon. It's not that I wanted him to, per say, (because I did, but that wasn't the reason we went home) but because I was home and I wanted to see my family. He just happened to be with me. Just felt the need to clarify that. :)

I'm tired now, and I need to take a shower. Hopefully I'll be able to fall asleep relatively early tonight. I'm just hoping.

Tomorrow's going to be a busy day. I have court, a job application to fill out/turn in, work, classes to study for, homework to do, counselor to see, laundry to wash, room to clean, oh, the list goes on.

I need groceries, but I don't have enough money to buy any. I need cocomoo, apples, carrots, and gum. As well as some other things, but those are the MUST-HAVES.

My Theory

2009-02-17T13:54:00.002-05:00

Ok, so. I have this theory. I haven't quite perfected it yet, so bear with me. I'm still working out the kinks and what I "mean" when I "say".

And I'm not crazy. It really makes sense, if I could only explain it right.

But here goes nothing.

My theory is that we are connected with people that we feel connected with. It's as simply complex as that. What I mean is, people that we care about, people that we share a true bond with, I think that our minds are connected. Kindof like there's an invisible cup-and-string "telephone" connecting us, no matter how far we are from that person.

The basis for this theory is something that always blows my mind when I notice it. It never fails to get me. I'm sure once I give you an example, you'll begin to see where I'm coming from easier if what I'm saying isn't clicking.

I always notice that I'll be thinking about something, something that I hadn't been thinking about for a long time. But it had maybe been on my mind for a couple of days. Maybe even only for a few hours. Or maybe I thought about it a day or two ago. But after I think about it, someone that I am connected with mentions the same thing to me.

I know you know what I'm talking about. And that is my theory.

Agree? Disagree? Think I've got a point? Think I'm crazy? DIGAME! (TELL ME!)

Secret, Secret, I've Got A Secret!

2009-02-13T10:34:00.001-05:00

This blog actually has a few different directions that I'm going to take. I may not be a very interesting person, but I have a LOT to say about things. I pretty much never run out of things to say, even though you might think that I don't have much to say because I'm a shy person in front of some people.

Anyways, digression. Secrets. Secrets are a funny thing, and they've been on my mind lately. I often find myself asking people, "Do you want to know a secret!?" What I'm telling them USUALLY isn't a secret at all, just a little-known fact about me. I have this insatiable need to tell people who I am. I want people to KNOW what I'm all about and what I'm not about. So I always tell people fun facts about me.

For instance, fun fact for you, I absolutely LOVE feedback from my blogs. I love hearing that what I'm writing is being read, and is being ENJOYED. I know it's not a real secret, but it's something that I don't want to say, because I don't want you to KNOW what I like with me telling you. I like thinking that you're responding to my rhetorics on your own will and not to please me, or to make my day.

Sometimes, I tell people secrets that I know I shouldn't. I know that they're going to take advantage of the information I give them. Or that they'll tell people who don't need to know. Or they'll just forget it, that's the worst. I tell secrets for a purpose, EVEN when I know I shouldn't. I don't do it just to "gossip" or just for conversation.

Have you ever had a secret that you were just DYING to tell someone? Some things should not be kept from the world. Some things EAT AWAY at you if you DON'T tell people. Some things hurt not to tell. When I finally told my dad that my ex and I dated, I felt this enormous weight lift off of me. I had been wanting to tell him so badly for two years. And even though telling him brought some troubles, it was still very good.

When I say "secret", I don't necessarily mean something that only a few people know, if any. I just mean anything. In my life, I have a few "fun facts for you" that I do NOT want to be kept secret. I don't have much to be proud of, but if I'm proud of something, I want to show it off. I suppose everyone's like that. I know my dad is. :) He always tells me that when I was born, he took me everywhere with him, he took me to everyone he knew so they could see me. I'm like that, and I won't venture to say that I got it all from him, but I'd like to think that it's not necessarily a bad quality to possess.

My point is: my boyfrann. I know we just started dating, and I didn't intend for him to come home with me so soon, but since he came with me for a show, I just wanted to show him to literally EVERYONE I know. It's exciting, I've never had someone to introduce to the people that I've known my whole life (pretty much). And vice versa, I wanted to show him where I came from. (Although it saddened me that my whole life took about 15 minutes total to show him and was all withing a 30 mile radius. Once again, I've never had anyone to show that too. It was so exciting!)

I think secrets are the glue that keep us sane. They cause so many problems, and at the same time give so much satisfaction to the teller and the listener(s). They give us something to talk about in almost any situation, therefore diffusing potentially awkward messes. They give us a "1-up" and a certain mysterious factor on our persons.

Thanks for your interest, loves. :)

Insecurity Stinks

2009-02-10T23:07:00.002-05:00

That's about as clever as I come tonight. I'm sure most of you aren't going to take that title the way I mean it. Although, I have two meanings for it. What I probably should have titled this blog was "Stinking Causes Insecurity; Insecurity Stinks". Because it's true. When I'm preoccupied with worrying about my physical appearance/scent, I tend to be unable to express myself.

Tonight, I video chatted with my family for the first time. Even in front of my own family, I felt uncomfortable because today was one of my "blah" days. My hair is up in my "cancer patient" hairstyle, I was wearing casual dress. And I felt like I smelled bad. Even though they most definitely couldn't smell me.

It's a cycle, believe it or not. By being insecure, I get nervous. When I get nervous, I sweat, sweating causes me to smell bad, which makes me even more insecure. (Even if I wasn't insecure, I would still sweat, I have sweating problems.) No matter where in this cycle I start, it will always make its rounds.

My daddy can't understand why I'm insecure. "I never raised you two girls to be insecure." But daddy, I don't understand it either. (Some things, I do know, though.) I get nervous a lot. I'm unsure about a lot of things. I can see "both sides" to most situations. I have trouble checking boxes labeled "always" "sometimes" "rarely" "never" "occasionally". I fall in the middle of black and white areas. I guess that's why. Because I don't have a DEFINITE answer for much of anything.

But the things I do have an answer for... woah. You know my stance in those situations. I make them clear. I'm a walking contradiction, I know. I have said before that I know what I like and I know better what I DON'T like. See? I'm even doing it right now.

I just don't want to be troubled by silly, petty things of the world, maybe that's why I don't have a particular side. Then I don't have people hating me for my beliefs. Not because I agree with everyone, but because I don't disagree with them.

I believe that everyone is constantly judging everything that they discover with their senses. I know I do. How hypocritical of me then to not want people to judge me. It's not that I care if they do, I just don't want them to get the wrong impression of me. That's the big deal to me. Like I've said many many many times, I don't care if you dislike me as long as you have a legitimate reason. If you don't like me for something petty, or because I offended you once, don't think I'm dwelling on it, because I'm not. I'll just think you're dumb. :) I would just prefer we get along is all.

Ugh, I need to shower, I'm insecure because I stink. Then, I need to study while I'm fresh and secure under a blanket. My hopes are that studying will bore me into sleep. Thanks for your interest, loves.

Cry, Baby. Being A Big Dither Isn't Easy.

2009-02-09T23:00:00.003-05:00

Up until tonight, I would say that I've done fairly well about not crying when I think about Lily, although I must say that I've cheated. I think I'm going through denial or something similar to it. I try not to think about her. Partially because I don't WANT to cry, partially because I have other things to worry about. But NEVER because I don't want to think about her.

It seems so surreal, even now, even though she hasn't even died yet. I can't describe how much it hurts to KNOW that my little sister is going to die before I do. It's so hard. As I said in a previous blog, I am VERY protective of my siblings. I care more about them than I care about anyone else. I don't want them to hurt, I don't want them to be sick, I don't want them to be sad. I suppose it's roughly the same as how my parents/grandparents feel for me.

Before Baby was born, I didn't want to think that he was my brother. I didn't want him to be related to me. And then I held him. I fell in love. We connected; I thought I messed up his head because it molded to my arm! He's not my half-brother. He's my brother. It's probably not healthy how happy he makes me. Every time I see his smile, or hear him "talk", every time he gives me kisses and hugs, or dances with me, I'm euphoric...

I don't remember Bottomn being born. I was only a 12 months old. But I was told that I "didn't want that baby." And that I made it clear that I didn't want her. Even though our relationship was strained growing up, and even though we still fight because of our clashing personalities, she's one of my best friends. I never believed my family when they told me that that's what she was going to end up as. She's been my only friend that I've had for more than 3 years. And lately, I've found myself actually MISSING her. It's astounding, I know. She's the only person that I can sing in my car with as loud and off-key as I want. I don't care if I mess up in front of her. I feel like she gets me and knows where I'm coming from without feeling like she always has to agree with what I'm saying. And even though I don't tell her everything, I feel more comfortable talking to her than I do most anyone else. My only "regret", if you could even call it that, is that we don't say "I love you" on the phone, or in person. I know we don't have to to know that we mean it. But it's just something about hearing that phrase. Reinforcement.

But that's pretty much off subject. Back to Lily. Babito (Baby + to, as in spanish for "little baby", yes, I realize that Babito is masculine, but get off my nuts, I don't care.) I bought a dress for Lily a few months ago. It's the most darling little sundress I've ever seen. I had been looking at it, and every time I saw it, I wanted to buy it for her. I finally did, but with some regrets. What if she doesn't live long enough to wear it? I can see her walking in it, but we don't even know if she'll make it past a few minutes of life. (Although I think she will. I don't know how long she'll live but I just have this feeling that she's going to be a little trooper.) So, I chose to get the newborn size. She might not have time to grow into it otherwise. And I want to see her in it so badly. It even comes with matching undies.

The one that I got for her is actually cuter than that one. It's smaller, so the pockets are up higher. And even though there are a few minor details that I'd like to change about it, it's absolutely precious.

I should probably clarify (because I don't remember if I've said this in a previous blog or not) that I have never lost anyone close to me by means of death. I've grown apart from people and things like that, but I have never had someone I love, someone that I was close to, die on me. I don't know how to prepare, and I don't know how I'm going to cope. Especially since it's going to be my BABY SISTER who is going to fade. Like I mentioned a few minutes ago, I don't love anyone more than my siblings. Go figure that my first loss is going to be someone who I love most.

I'm sure you're going to tell me that that's probably for the best, so I can cope easier with future deaths. Please, I don't want to hear that. Let's try and not fill me with bright vibrant flowery ideas of that nature.

I'm not scared of death. I'm not scared to death. I'm scared of living without the people I love. It depresses me to even think about it. Thinking about losing the very people I would go to if I did in fact lose someone, it makes me feel so helpless, so hopeless.

I'm learning to deal with losing people (in both ways) and I'm learning how to deal with it by myself. I know I don't HAVE to go through it alone. But we're all alone somedays. And I think realizing that is a big step in itself. Sometimes, I just don't want to bother people with my troubles, sometimes I don't want to talk about it, sometimes I don't want to wake people up because I can't sleep, sometimes I busy myself with hollow projects to ignore it, sometimes I throw myself into "happy" situations, and sometimes, most of the time, I just want people to think I'm strong. I don't want to show how weak and scared I really feel. I try to hide it when things bother me. Plus, I don't like it when people can tell my emotions. I'd much rather be a mystery or for people to think I'm ok when I'm not. Idk, it's just my personality I guess...

ON A MUCH BRIGHTER NOTE,

Daddy and I are talking again. I know we didn't even not talk for a month, but it felt like a LIFETIME. I didn't like it. :)
Chris and I are coming home this weekend. I know we just started dating, but I want him to meet my family. It means a lot to me that they like him and that they approve. Although, their approval won't make or break this relationship, it would definitely make things easier! :)
Plus, I want him to see where I come from, who made me into the young lady that I am.
There's so much stuff I want to show him! I'm really excited, I keep planning the weekend out in my head, but I know we're not even going to get to do HALF of what I want to do. Especially if we have to leave early. He came in first place for a golf tournament he competed in today, so the next round? (I don't even know what you'd call it, I'm just guessing) might be on Sunday. (Yeah, I'm dating a golfer. Haha, who would've guessed that? :D)
The REASON we're coming home is to go see a show. THE CAB! <3 We the kings, and The Maine, and a few other bands. I don't care about any of them except for the cab, though.
Grandmama's helping me work out things with my car (the rotors and the battery).
I think Daddy's going to help/get a new sound system put in my car.
The weather has been beautiful, and I'm getting tan! :D

Ok, this has been too long, imo. Thanks for your interest. :)

Another First

2009-02-08T23:42:00.004-05:00

I like blogging, I've decided. It gives me the opportunity to step outside of my comfort zone at times, while still allowing me to feel at ease. Once again, I'll keep this blog simple and short with the words. I've decided to show you some of my photography. :)

Now, I know all of these pictures aren't even remotely good, but some of them just look good to ME. They mean something to me. I'm not sure how many pictures it'll let me post, but I've got quite a few in my "portfolio".

They could be better if I had a DSLR camera... *COUGH COUGH MOMMA/DAVE/GRANDMAMA/MEMA/OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS! COUGH COUGH*

This is my passion, it's what I love doing. But I can't take pictures that are professional quality if I don't have a professional camera.

Same with music, I can't make music without a keyboard...

And I can't practice singing without a good sound system in my car...

(Take the hint! I want a keyboard, a DSLR camera, and a sound system for my car. To let my creativity EXPLODE! kthx. :D)

Also, the text is partially because I don't want people to steal my shit, it's something I'm paranoid about, partially because I don't want to type the "title" for the ones that I've given titles to. And I didn't spend time with the style of text either. :)

Anyways, picture time (The ones that are shown first are my newest [starting from yesterday] from there the regression begins):

NOTE!: apparently blogger is gayer than I previously thought. I had to down-size the pictures so you can see the whole thing. They look better when they're bigger... :(

The picture below is my favorite picture that I've taken. I know it's simple, but I just love it. The one after it is a little bit of my photoshopping skills. Which are VERY basic. :)

The date stamp RUINED this one. I've not used that function since then.

So, as always, thanks for your interest, let me know what you think, until next time! :)

Orange Juice After Toothpaste

2009-02-06T12:41:00.003-05:00

You know what I'm talking about. It's that taste, I bet you can taste it now since I brought it up. The taste isn't pleasant, but you still keep drinking your orange juice like it tastes just fine.

I consider most of my life like the taste of toothpastey orange juice. I don't mean that my life sucks (although some days, I do feel that way), but I'm thrown a lot of cheap shots. And I take them. I continually take them.

I could've easily avoided the pungent taste had I either A)drinken (leave my southernism alone!) my juice before brushing my teeth or B)not brushed my teeth. But I probably forgot to do it, or I was really thirsty, or I decided that I would rather have clean teeth and endure the taste.

Just a little thought.

True Life, Short Blog

2009-02-04T19:18:00.002-05:00

A diabetic called me sugar once.

I wonder if it was meant as an insult, but I'll never know. Don't ask, don't tell.

(Yes, this really happened, in fact, I'll show you the proof.)

Little Fledgling

2009-02-03T02:08:00.003-05:00

Little fledgling, rising up
in the early morning light.
The dawn is here and yet you fear
the fall of your first flight.

But if you wait too long the day
will end before you get your chance.
To catch the air under your wings
and let its current lead the dance.

Little fledgling, have some faith
you know how it feels to fall.
You might find that this one time
is different from them all.

Your fear of pain could ruin
the weather's master scheme
And where's the fairness to the sky
if you deny his perfect dream?

Little fledgling, take a chance
the sun is in your eyes.
There's no better time to leap
you just might be surprised.

(I have never publicly posted my own work before, so this is stepping out of my comfort zone, most definitely! I would absolutely LOVE ANY feedback. If you read this, tell me what you think. Even if you think it sucks! Thank you so much for your interest, until next time.)

UPDATE: I just entered this poem into a poetry contest. I'm really excited! :D Once again, it's another first!

You're Do-able

2009-02-02T13:32:00.003-05:00

And you're disgusting.
That really bothers me, when guys tell me that I'm do-able. I'm not sure if it's meant as a compliment, but I take it as an insult. As if I have nothing else going for me other than a vagina to be poked. I don't want to hear that you want to do me if we're not in a relationship. And we won't be. Because I have a boyfriend, thanks. :)

I'd like to think that I'm more than just do-able. And I have a higher standard set for myself. I'm not just some dumb whore who will be taken advantage of in order to feel loved. I've got so much personality and so many quirks that I really AM more than just do-able.

So next time you try and talk to me just to get in my pants, please refrain. It makes you look pathetic and desperate. It makes me angry. You're just wasting your time, I don't want your dick. Anywhere near me, for that matter.

(Also, sweet-talking me doesn't work either. I don't like being fed compliments as if I were a baby eating desserts. I know what I am, and I know what I'm not and I know your intentions. And I am by no means easy.)

Thanks for your interest, dollface, until next time. :)

Worries

2009-01-31T22:33:00.002-05:00

I'm not sure if I should post this blog or not, because I don't want my family to worry about me, but I need to express MY worries. Maybe you could offer suggestions? I'd really appreciate that.
This is probably going to come out self-centered and such, but it's my blog, so get off my nuts. I don't know if this happens to everyone, but I've come to realize that bad things come in thunderstorms in my life. I don't get a few things here and there. I get a whole garbage truck dumped on my head.
And it really worries me.
On top of my neverending problems, I just got a few more yesterday. How exciting. And now, it's time for one of my famous lists:

Worries:
1] I took my car to Midas because whenever I press my brakes and I'm going above 40, they shake until I get under 40mph. I got my brakes "fixed" over the summer, and ever since then, I've had this problem. They have a lifetime warranty on them, so I took them back 3 times to the Midas that I got them done at so they could "fix" them again. Never happened. So, I take them to a Midas here. They call me up and tell me that apparently, my rotors were filed down too much and I need new ones. Oh, and hey, my car battery is about to die as well. Cost: $400.
2] I got pulled over again. The cop told me I was going 51 in a 35. I'm not going to say that I wasn't, or that his speed detector is broken, but I looked at my speedometer before he even turned on his lights and it told me that I was going 40. I thought I was going fast, but that's what my speedometer said, 40mph. Cost: $185, 4 points on my license.

Both of these things happened on the same day, in that order. So I'm wondering if the work that they did on my car somehow messed up the speedometer.

If you're going to bitch at me for speeding again, save it, I'll ignore you. I don't care if you're family or not.

3] I owe momma about 3 months of car insurance. $90 a month X 3 months = Cost: $270.

Total: $855.

The speeding ticket, I'm going to court for, and it'll hopefully be dropped down like it was last time. So my total is probably going to be closer to $750. I have about $875 in the bank. I absolutely HATE having less than $500 in my account, and I refuse to do that.

I have a job, and I get paid really well. But I don't do anything, so I feel bad. I don't like getting paid to sit there and do literally NOTHING. I want to earn what I'm making.

I'm going to apply for a job at a candy store. I would absolutely LOVE to work in a candy shop. Since it's almost spring, hopefully I can get the job and work there during spring break. Make some moneyyy. Although, I need the money sooner than that.

I don't want to ask my family for money because 1] they don't have it. 2] i don't want to owe people money.

I could always whore myself out... (kidding!)

Honestly, though, I'm glad that all of these worries are financial worries. I'd much rather worry about money than my sanity, my life, or other people. I just have to get creative and not spend money anymore.

Like I said, helpful suggestions would be great, scolding me is not.

Thanks for your interest.

"You Have The Cutest Little Voice..." (Video Blog!)

2009-01-29T00:13:00.007-05:00

Someone told me that about a week ago after we had met for the first time. It tickled me to death. I'm very self-conscious about the sound of my voice. Whether I'm talking, singing, or laughing, (which, by the way, are the three things I do every day) I'm constantly worrying about the sounds I'm making, and I keep myself in check. I usually recognize too late, though.

Right now, I'm in my dorm, writing out my favorite song lyrics in colorful and creative ways so I can put them on my hideous grey walls. I just looked up the lyrics to Emery's "Say The Things (You Want)" to make sure that I quoted them right. Half of the song talks about saying words, about speaking. Voices. My favorite lines: "The clever sounds from your mouth, They make me feel so worthless." It's not so much the actual lyrics, many of my favorite lyrics are such because of the way the artist delivers them to me.

But reading those lyrics brought me back to what that person told me.

Then I was reading my mom's blog, and I realized that even though I was reading what she had written in my head, I was trying to read them in her voice. Not mine, not anyone else's. Which got me thinking. I wonder what people are hearing when they read what I'm writing. Not everyone can possibly be hearing my voice, because everyone doesn't know what I sound like.

Which brought me back to what he said about my voice. I'm not quiet. Generally, I'm quite loud. My voice has a plethora of pitches, accents, stresses, and lisps. I allow my voice to adapt to my surroundings. I don't do it on purpose, but I'll start talking like the people I'm around. I'll soften my voice if I don't feel comfortable, or if I want to appear gentle. Even when I sing, I can sing about five different ways. I'm sure everyone else does this, too. But it got me wondering, which one is my real voice? Honestly, I'm not sure. Because, even as I'm saying these words in my head, it doesn't sound like my voice.

Voice in writing, though. I've got that down, well, according to the SAT's, I do. I did VERY well on the writing portion of the SAT's. And I can write out my opinions. And I have my own syntax. I even have a name for my writings. I call them my rhetorics. Rhetoric is one of my favorite words. It has so many meanings, all of which I can relate to. Thus, my writings, poems, songs, thoughts, whathaveyous, essays; they're my rhetorics.

It unsettles me to think that people misinterpret what I write, because writing is the only way I can get my thoughts out as clearly as possible. I can't be interrupted. I can see what I've already said, so if there is an interruption, I can remember where I left off and where I was going. I don't studder in writing. I don't pronounce the sentences wrong, or the words. I don't get nervous when I'm writing. And I can remember what I've said by rereading it.

So, I'm throwing in a little surprise. You all have been such good sports reading my lengthy blogs, so I'm going to give your sore, bloodshot eyes a rest. But I'm going to give your ears a... treat? Ha, yeah right. Hopefully you'll find it entertaining at least. I lied, since it's a video, you are obligated (although not required) to watch it as you listen. Enjoy!

Due to technical difficulties, i.e. waiting over 5 hours for this video to load using Blogger's video uploading tool, I have decided to upload the second video to YouTube and will just put the code in when it finishes processing... Scratch that, you'll just have to wait, apparently the video length is too long. Go figure. Ok, I just uploaded it to myspace, it has approx. 3 minutes left to process. If that doesn't work, this attempt at a video blog was major FAIL...
Update again: This blog was FAIL. But, I just shortened the video by about half. Although, I still went over my goal by about 20ish seconds. :) I'm going to try uploading it to myspace first, because it seems to be quickest, then I'll post it in here. If that doesn't work, I seriously give up. But I really wanted to post this blog... Alright, here goes nothing. (If timing's everything, stop telling me you're taking your time. I know you're anxious, but you're running your mouth like you're five years old again. It's so hard to pretend...) :]

So, once again, thanks for your interest. Keep coming back for more. ;) <3

The Curious Case Of Inspiration (Lengthier)

2009-01-25T10:57:00.003-05:00

Inspiration is a funny little thing. It just hits you, kindof like your morning coffee or a karate class. Afterward, you just want to do something. You want to make a difference in your life and you want to change the world. Just by an invisible force that motivates you. Moments before writing this blog, I didn't want to write a blog today because I wasn't inspired. Then it hit me.

A friend of mine asked me to blog about dreams, goals, and happiness under the condition that I watched "The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button." I don't remember if he wanted me to write about my dreams, goals, and happiness, but I'm honestly not sure what else I can talk about as much. We'll see what I end up with... It's always a surprise, even for me.

I would like to start out by reviewing the movie, I'm such a critic. ;)
It was a great movie. Lengthy at times, especially since this movie has approxomately 1 action scene, my mind did wander occasionally. And I feel compelled to discourage Brad Pitt's Southern accent. I've lived in the south all my life, and I must say that his accent is even less convincing than mine. (Some of you have never heard my voice, so I should probably clarify that even though I am FROM the south, my accent isn't very southern.) It was terrible, and at times, it ruined the movie for me. A plus is that the movie was based on a short story by F. Scott Fitzgerald. The story is probably even sadder than the movie. If you need to cry, but can't, this movie will get you there. I cried at least 15 times; I have never cried so much from a movie. Although, any other person watching it will probably only cry two or three. I just related to this movie so much. A lot of what I'm going through in my life was hit dead-on in this movie. It wasn't even a subtle hint, oh no, it was like "BAM! HEY RANI, THIS MOVIE WAS MADE FOR YOU." Had I been alone, I would've broken down, but I wasn't, so I tried my hardest to remain composed. Fairly unsuccessful. So, good movie, lengthy, bad southern accent, touching. It will leave you feeling upset, though. Just a fair warning. Do something fun after you see it, because you will cry in your bed if you don't...

Dreams:
I have great dreams. I have huge dreams. If my dreams were people, they'd be that chinese basketball player, you know the one, the big one. If my dreams were a fruit, they'd be watermelons. If my dreams were a planet, they'd be the sun. Yeah, I know the sun's not a planet, but my dreams are intangible to anyone but me, and some of them are even intangible to me, so I choose the sun. Get over it. :)
If you know me personally, as in superpersonally, you would already know two things about me: 1) I'm not the way I appear.
2)I've got an awesome gift of creativity.
With my powers combined, I am constantly daydreaming. Constantly. It gets bad at times, because I have confused daydreams with reality before, and I must admit that it makes me feel slightly insane. Or mentally unstable, should I try and be a little softer with my words.
The only problem with my dreams is that I have so many, that I am constantly forgetting some, or that they collide with each other. My life is too short to live out all of my dreams. What a depressing realization. I have a list of things to do before I die. It's an actual, tangible list. I have bad memory, and I don't want to forget. Although, my list should probably go under

Goals:
Another thing you would know about me if you knew me personally is that I am totally unmotivated. I don't like goals. Never had. I'm not sure why, I think it's just the word, "goals". It just pisses me off. I don't want to have "goals". I want to live my life and just do what I want. Without a plan. I have "goals", little ones. But I could never tell them to you. I'm not calling my "goals" "goals". Even "aspirations" sounds better than goals.
I'm a very particular girl, and I don't like things that I don't like. A fairly simple idea to grasp. And if I don't like "goals", why in the hell would I make them? Precisely. I wouldn't. So, once I come up with a pseudonym for "goals", I'll have better ones.
And now I'm left with

Happiness:
Do you ever have mornings where you just DO NOT want to get up? No matter what time you went to bed, you just wanted to stay there? That was me literally every day for the past 7 years. I was not a morning person. But something just changed in me about a week ago. And I'm scared shitless. Because this change could easily change again, and leave me worse than before. And I already got my hopes up, even though I tried so hard to keep them in check. It's 11:34 on Sunday morning. I would be asleep still for at least another two hours. I'm not saying that I'm a rise-with-the-sun morning person, but I can actually get up when my alarm clock goes off and look foreward to the new day. And I'm so happy. The week before last was a terrible week for me, one of the worst weeks I've ever had. And this was one of the best.
I've struggled with finding the right jar to put my happiness in where it can thrive instead of die. When I was a little girl, I would catch bugs, or lizards and play with them for a while. Then they'd escape me. I don't like being unhappy, who does?
I think I may be bi-polar. I don't know anything about it other than mood swings, so I asked a friend of mine who suffers from it. I told her pretty much everything that was wrong with me, my "symptoms", and she suggested that I get checked out. If I am, I'll know why I can't stay happy. I'll know a lot of things. And I'll know that it's not my fault. I want so much to be happy.

Because I can only talk about one of those three subjects easily, I'm sure my advice should be held with complete disregard. But I don't want you to feel pain. I don't want you to hurt. I want you to have goals, and dreams, and happiness. And I want you to do whatever it takes for you to be content. Find your passion. Live your life. Because, even though I'm not quite there yet, I do know how it feels to be on the other end. And that is no way to go through life, trust me.

I have a feeling that this blog is fairly long, so if you read to this point, I truly hope you got something out of what I've just written. I'm not expecting to be a very good motivational speaker, wouldn't I have to be motivated first?

So, thank you for your interest. :)

As a final note, I just wanted to thank two people.

Jen-
Thank you for the comment you left me. I was going to privately thank you, but I wasn't sure which one of my mom's followers you were (although I had a pretty good idea!). And I didn't want to thank someone who didn't do anything. So, I just have to hope that you read this far in this blog. Worrying about Lily's death is very hard on me. I'm constantly dwelling over it. Your words comforted me because if you can feel my love for her, I feel as though she can as well. I'm so sorry that you lost your son, and although I can't say that I know how it feels, I can say that my heart goes out to you and your family. I'm sure you already know this, but you are not alone in your pain. And even though we're strangers, you can come to me as well. I hope you've talked to my mom. I'm not going to say that she's fine, who can be "fine" when dealing with the knowledge that their child's life is fading, but I'm so proud of her for being strong about this, and I admire her attitude in this whole process. But I know that she doesn't feel as strong as people see her. Having other people there with her who have already gone through what she's going to have to face is probably some comfort to her.
And thank you for encouraging me to continue writing. :)

Chris-
Thanks for getting me excited about life. I'm not going to say anything else right now, because I don't want to speak too soon, but I have a feeling that I'm going to be thanking you for a lot more. I hope I'm not wrong...